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News & For Sale “The Golden Compass” by m1cnBot

 
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m1cnBot 11 years ago on 12/11/07

Story Originally Posted By: John Booty

Article PictureThe controversy surrounding The Golden Compass turned out to be comically superfluous. This mediocre movie won't inspire many people to remember it a week from now, much less renounce their faith in God. If the novels contained some kind of religious allegory it sure got neutered out of the movie script.

What we have here is a rote adventure story. Tell me if you've heard this before: there's a powerful artifact, it winds up in the hands of a child for what seems to be no good reason, some people fight over it, a colorful and varied group of allies aid the child, and there's some destiny or prophecy to be fulfilled.

The special effects are frustratingly uneven. The plot is muddled and we're not given enough backstory to really care about what's happening: apparently there's some kind of conflict between a college and the "Magisterium," which is sort of like the Roman Catholic church but with no traces of religion whatsoever. But the only characters from the college we really meet are Lyra's uncle and the headmaster. One of them is an cold and ungrateful dick and the other one is a doormat. We're supposed to root for these guys?

The characters continuously defy logic. They also defy you to care about them. They are not endearing. The protagonist certainly is plucky and loyal but spends most of her time just being kind of resolutely sullen. You will not care about her.

There are some things to like about The Golden Compass. There are excellent giant fighting armored polar bears, and Sam Eliot is in it, and uh.... uh... that's it, really. Don't see it in the theater and don't even rent it unless you're really into polar bears.

Moderator Mel Says:

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Kaito 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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BURNED
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Dr. Taylor Lay 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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John said:
There are excellent giant fighting armored polar bears


'Nuff said.

Moderator Mel Says:

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Kaito 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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Yeah the Ice Bear fight was the highlight of the movie.

Moderator Mel Says:

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Put A Bird On It! 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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Well I do have a fetish for large hairy eskimo men, so maybe I should check it out.
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Allison 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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you know, I kind of felt the same way about the book itself. There were parts of it that were very interesting and exciting, but on the whole, I wasn't impressed. I saw the movie last night and felt pretty much the same way. It definitely isnt a favorite story of mine. I will read the rest of the series just to see how it ends, though.
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aUdioquark 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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PopeCorky said:
Well I do have a fetish for large hairy eskimo men, so maybe I should check it out.


Shit, slap a parka on Zanial and you're good to go.
 
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Cosgrove 11 years ago on 12/11/07
I haven't seen the movie yet, but have listened to the audio books which are unabridged and performed by a cast. Those were really well done and I liked them overall. I felt they'd have to neuter it to a degree, but the real neutering would have to take place for books 2 and 3 where you find out that part of the story deals with someone waging a war against God ("The Authority" in the books). I guess I don't need to rush out to the theater to see it now.
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Brass Rabbit 11 years ago on 12/11/07
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I wanna see this review on Rotten Tomatoes.
 
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aetherninja 11 years ago on 12/11/07
So yeah, I'm pretty much deathly afraid of polar bears. I registered for the site today just so I could post this thank you. Now I have absolutely no reason to check this movie out.

Moderator Mel Says:

 
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aetherninja 11 years ago on 12/11/07
Seriously though. Polar bears freak me right the @#$% out.

Moderator Mel Says:

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Fievel 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the book. If you don't like the book, you won't like the movie, because it pretty much followed the book.
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Remember Lommy Greenhands 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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Actually, I think the problems with the movie were very movie-specific: bad directing, awful pacing, constant inappropriate narration as mentioned elsewhere. The story itself had all the potential in the world: kids, daemons, cowboys, pirates, ninja witches, polar bears, a giant melee fuck-all. For my dime, it only failed in the delivery.

Moderator Bad Mongo Says:

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Umister 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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This movie pretty much broke my heart, since the book is one of my all-time favorites. I saw it in theaters with some friends who were equally expert on the book, and you could tell every time the movie fucked up from the book because we'd all go "WHAT" at the same time and facepalm.

We facepalmed a lot.
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Britishly Delicious 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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Because a movie should always be an exact replica of a book ?
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Remember Lommy Greenhands 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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There's a difference between an alteration and a fuck up.
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ChaosThorn 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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JohnnyMcBadass said:
There's a difference between an alteration and a fuck up.


Signed.

This movie was a huge let down. What was funny was I went to a showing with a bunch of enthusiasts for the book, myself included (someone dressed up as an armored bear!) At the end of the movie, when they fly off into the sun, or w/e, and then movie ended...you just heard this collective "WHAT?!" from the entire audience.

Moderator Mel Says:

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Yosei_Otaku 11 years ago on 12/12/07
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I had just gotten through getting my entire household to read the books, because as a whole the story is fun and the ideas behind it are very engaging. So naturally we were all excited as hell for the movie. And, no surprise, we all left throughly disappointed.

There is a MAJOR difference between an alteration and a fuck up. And they fucked this shit up. The plot was spliced and thrown back together in ways that made no sense and destroyed parts of the plot as a whole. And that's been the major complaint from people who have read the books and then seen the flick. I feel sorry for anyone going to the film who hasn't read the originals, because it will just come across as a bad story all together.

In my opinion the acting was good, the visuals were cool and the music was great. But because the plot was butchered those three points all seemed lousy. I'm actually hoping the other two books don't make it to the screen. Spare them the same fate.

In the mean time I can content myself by watching the Catholic Church throw a religious tantrum over the whole ordeal. But that's another rant in itself.
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john william 11 years ago on 12/15/07
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I have trouble believing the book is worth it. The underlying concepts were hokey and infantile. The allegory was hilariously thin and facile. The reveals were either laughable or cringe inducing (spoiler: Lulke, I am your father). Considering this is supposed to be some kind of counterpoint to Narnia, it's rather pathetic that the best part of it, the massive, deadly, and noble talking polar bear, feels like a complete ripoff of it.

I did like Nicole Kidman's creepy, weird character. Perhaps had the movie been about her riding around on the Ian McShane-bear and killing everything in her path, I would have liked it a lot more.

Moderator Mel Says:

 
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Creepy Stalker 11 years ago on 12/15/07
Great post.

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