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Fatty Talk “Cooking Fuck-Ups” by Tulip O'Hare

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Tulip O'Hare 4 years ago on 10/27/10
Equipped: Mario Plushie named "Meatsa Ballsa"
Recent or past -- anything from a mild screw-up to a total fucking disaster -- confess it here.

In my case just now, I was going for baked acorn squash, but poor temperature programming resulted in oven-fried acorn squash.
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Walter! 4 years ago on 10/27/10
Equipped: Apple named "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
I was lighting the stove and holding the cookbook open on my chest while I leaned over. I lit the wrong stove top burner and ended up with Gourmet 1st Edition flambe.
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Dia 4 years ago on 10/27/10
Equipped: Radtaculous Glove of POWWWEER named "It helps with the DRILLBIT MANEUVER!"
This one is seasonally appropriate!

Last year for my Halloween party, I wanted to make little Jello jigglers with neon gummy worms in them. What I didn't realize is that, when placed into gelatin before it sets, gummy worms kind of melt, and form a weird gross sludge that sinks to the bottom of the pan. This makes it pretty much impossible to get the Jello out of the pan - not that you'd want to, because the gummy sludge gets all hard and nasty.
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jennyfur 4 years ago on 10/27/10
Equipped: John Booty Plushy named "Sex toy property of "Ralph's Mom""
I tried to make some pad thai a couple days ago, but didn't let the noodles soak long enough and some of them ended up kinda tough and stuck together. Of course I didn't realize it until after the other ingredients were in there so I couldn't just cook the noodles more. Ruined.
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Devi 4 years ago on 10/27/10
Equipped: Lawn Gnome named "Pablo"
I've become known in AV Chat for burning my food regularly. When I first moved into my apartment I tried cooking green bean fries and my smoke alarm went off. It happened again just a month ago!
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Oliphaunt 4 years ago on 10/28/10
Equipped: Ticket for the Man Train named "After 10 rides, the season pass pays for itself!"
Anytime I try to cook food from scratch, I wind up bleeding. Usually not into the food, at least. I cut myself without holding any utensils, sometimes, just moving something from one point to another I end up lacerated.

The food is usually delicious, however! So maybe that's all it takes?
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Fievel 4 years ago on 10/28/10
Equipped: Kiss from Creepy Stalker named "A kiss from the shadows"
Way back when I was first learning how to cook (about 11 or 12 years old) I was trying to make a frittata. I misread the recipe that said "Add 1 tsp oregano" as "Add 1 cup oregano." Yeeeeeah, it was completely inedible.

Back in high school, I made a large, layered fruit tart. It was supposed to be created in separate layers that are later assembled, and so each layer was placed upon parchment paper. Well, while assembling the tart, I plum forgot to remove the parchment. Sure enough, while eating it with some friends, we not only found it slightly difficult to cut, but a bit chewy.
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NekoStar 4 years ago on 10/28/10
Equipped: Pocket Link named "small but pleasing"
The first time I cooked on an electric stove was in my college dorm. I burnt some chicken fingers and set off the fire alarm. The police showed up at my door within SECONDS...

I was upset already as it was, when the one officer told me there was a $2,000 fine for false alarm. He waited until AFTER I started crying to tell me he was kidding.
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Winter 4 years ago on 10/28/10
Equipped: Clue Stick named "Good for Beating"
This past weekend I set out to make pumpkin ice cream. I found a delicious (and very complex) recipe and spent an entire afternoon following it to the most minute detail.

Until the last step, when I misread the amount needed for the final ingredient. I put in an entire can of pumpkin, when it called for only a cup. I didn't realize my mistake until the machine was already churning and results were coming out thin and gritty.

It's still delicious, but it has to be left out for an hour before you can eat it, because the consistency is off and the pumpkin freezes so hard it will bend a spoon.

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Tulip O'Hare 4 years ago on 10/29/10
Equipped: Mario Plushie named "Meatsa Ballsa"
My first teaspoon/tablespoon mixup involved hot sauce. The spicy orange chicken recipe didn't have a picture, but I probably should have guessed that it wasn't supposed to be neon orange.

To help me out for next time, Dry Ice Dildo drew some pictures in the cookbook... a teacup with a circle around it, and a table with a "No" circle over it.
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NomiJade 4 years ago on 10/29/10
Equipped: Bi Curi-O's Cereal
Chicken and Dumplings. One of those boxed kits where everything comes in the box and for the most part the hardest part is opening the can of everything to put it in the baking dish. I have done this successfully before with this kit, and managed some of the other kits in the same brand. I can do this.

Place ingredients into indestructible pyrex baking dish. Set timer.

Come back to find chicken-and-dumpling-based concrete block fused to my borrowed indestructible pyrex baking dish. See, there is ONE ingredient that does not come in the box - it's the one can's worth of water.

I still tried to eat it anyway, while crying - so the roommates tried too. Eventually the roommate sitting with me said "Look, let's go to Carl's Jr, my treat."

The formerly food like substance was mostly able to be soaked off the dish, but a permanent layer of char had adhered to the glass dish and could never be recovered. I eventually bought my mom a new one.
PS: (This is one of the many examples why I'm restricted to dishes that have 3 or fewer ingredients and usually involve simple stove top heating or the microwave. I am a kitchen disaster.)
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Mark Argent 4 years ago on 10/29/10
Equipped: Fire Flower named "o/` I'M FUH-LAAAAAAAMING! o/`"
a while ago I doubled the amount of flour in a bechamel I was making and ended up with a (blessedly non-stick) pot full of play-doh.
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Boudicca 4 years ago on 10/29/10
Equipped: Lightsaber named "I AM the Dark Side, Motherfuckers!!"
Oh boy.

Oven fires I've started - two
Stovetop fires I've started - three
Cookery destroyed - probably a dozen pots and pans and various utensils
Melted plastic from a frozen pizza on burner - Check
Left boiling macaroni on the stove, forgot it, left home, came back an hour later - Check
Cooked a pizza upside down - Check
Tried to make raviolis and they fell apart in the water - yep
Cooked a peach cobbler for Christmas to take to family's house and dropped it on the sidewalk trying to put it in the car - this is my life

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Madam GMILF 4 years ago on 10/29/10
Equipped: Censored Sushi *gasp* named "I found Nemo!!!"
When I was about 13, I tried to make Rice Krispie treats. I read the directions on the side of the box, and I thought I followed all the steps, but somehow or other I invented crispy quick-drying cement - I had to take a chisel to get it out of the pan; even the spoon was stuck in it. I think that was the first - and last - time I ever attempted to make a dessert.
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cleversmartass 4 years ago on 10/29/10
Equipped: Kick In The Nads named "PWNing nads, one nad at a time"
There was an incident of chicken being left to boil, and my boyfriend and I returning to hearing the smoke alarms going from outside. When we entered the house I felt like I had a better appreciation of what he experiences at his job. The entire house was completely filled with smoke. The house smelled like crap for many months (I never thought it would smell okay again) and I figured the pot was ruined forever. Fortunately! The pot it looking shiny and new again, and the house no longer stinks!
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Canada 4 years ago on 10/30/10
Equipped: Foreigner Belt... ROCK!
Peanut BUTTER cookies:

Instead of one STICK of butter, add one BRICK.

So wrong... but so right.

Oops.
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Jaws Of Oblivious 4 years ago on 10/31/10
Equipped: Giant Robot named Rumpleteazer
I burned a handmade pizza to a crisp once.

T_T
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Squee 4 years ago on 10/31/10
Equipped: Hentai DVDs named "Oh god, so many tentacles!!!!!"
I have a tendency to overcook meat to a shoe-leather consistency, usually because I use too much heat and try to cook too fast.

I've given potato dishes a good char plenty of times.

This has only happened a couple of times, but I've made a few pasta mushes in my day.
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Dia 3 years ago on 11/07/10
Equipped: Radtaculous Glove of POWWWEER named "It helps with the DRILLBIT MANEUVER!"
I burnt my wall.

Apparently the pot was too close to it!

Image: 2048x1536 JPG, 1216KB. Click to view.
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Moonage Daydream 3 years ago on 11/08/10
Equipped: Link's Boomerang named "I wish I knew how to quit you"
I was drunk and it had been a long time since I made a cream sauce and figured I could work it out as I went. I thought I remembered something about using the same amount of butter as you do cream. Turns out there really is such a thing as too much butter.

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