 LeTonzy 21 months ago on 08/08/11 Equipped: Horse Weiner named "and it turn back again when you tug on his..." My mom has a spanish accent. She says this out of the blue with no warning.
Mom: I memeber when joo were born and the nurse put joo on my chest and say 'what a beautiful baby' and I say, Oh my gawd he is ugly! An I start to cry cuz joo were sooo ugly. Me; ooooook Mom; No really joo were ugly. Joo you were born bright red an had a cone head cuz joor head was still stuck. It was very easy for the rest of the family to spot joo in the nursery. Cuál es él? El feo en medio! Me; Why are you telling me this?! Mom; well because thas why we dont have baby pictures of joo after joo born :) me;........um....thank you? LeTonzy 21 months ago on 08/08/11 Equipped: Horse Weiner named "and it turn back again when you tug on his..." A year after I broke up with my ex of 5years.
Mom; joo have a girlfriend jet? Me; no, I havnt really found the right girl yet. Mom; joo could just go out and get one but they are expensive huh me; wait, are you talking about a hooker? Mom; wha's that? Me; oh...its uh...someone you pay to...have...sex with Mom;oooh, they are expensive too. If you want I can help pay for- Me;- OH MY GOD MOM! Please dont. Mom; joo right, joo should talk to joo father. He knows more about that ;) Me*slam my head on computer desk*  Bad Wolf 21 months ago on 08/08/11 Equipped: Ramune Bottle Broken From Frustration named "AAAAUUUURRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!111one" There is nothing my mom or dad could say that could possibly outdo your mother. Gold.  (s)Aint Chimo 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Marble Pocky named "I don't take it for granite." Oh Gawd, Tonzy , I can picture your mom saying these things, I need to hang out with her more often and ask her to tell me stories! When you get back here we need Tonzy's Mom Story Time!!!
My mom is really scatter brained at times and cannot remember the names of certain things. My brother had her absolutely convinced of a few things: Mom: What's the sandwich you like from McDonald's? Jer (bro): A Big and Nasty. Mom to cashier: One Big and Nasty, please! Jer: X'D Jer (shouting from across an aisle at K-Mart) Let me by these jeans! Mom (shouting back) What brand are they? Jer: Um...Ass Be Honkers! Mom: Well how much are the Ass Be Honkers? Jer: XD They're $40! Mom: Let's not get the Ass Be Honkers! Jer and me: X'DDDDD She also cannot remember the song John Jacob Jingleheimershmidt, she keeps singing it "John Jacob Jingle Jeimer Jim!" absolutely convinced that's how it goes! LeTonzy 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Horse Weiner named "and it turn back again when you tug on his..." I love your mom!  Laurette 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Triforce named "DANANANA NA NA NANANA" Mom:YOU'RE A DORK
Me: No you Mom: NO YOU Me: No, mom, clearly, you're the dork here Mom: WELL YOU'RE THE DORKIEST DORK IN THE DORKY DORK WORLD both of us promptly die laughing Mom (after picking on me about various things for a few minutes, trying to be annoying): I love youuuuuu Me: Love you too, mom. Mom: SHUT UP, GOD. Mom (barging into my room while i'm asleep and not looking): TIFFANY! I AM OFF TO SLAY THE DEMONS OF THE DMV! I SHALL WEAR YOUR COLORS INTO BATTLE, IF I AM NOT BACK IN TEN HOURS, THE KINGDOM IS YOURS! I look up to see that she is wearing a plastic bowl on her head, and carrying a half a cardboard box shield and a cardboard tube for her sword. I just kind of groan and tell her to get out so i can go back to sleep. Mom: You are NO FUN. Mom (as we drive through florida): Valencia College? What a name.... HEY HEY, ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU DON'T GO THERE? Don (mom's ex): Man, I love this song so much! Mom: Meh, Boy George version was better. Don: Boy George SUCKS. Mom: I know he does, but what does that have to do with his music? Mom ("helping" with some english homework writing poetry): There once was a woman named Pat, who had triplets named Matt, Nat, and Tat. The breeding went well, but feeding was hell, as there wasn't another Tit for Tat. Me: Man I have like, a weird skin tag thing on my arm. Mom: I got those but not until I was pregnant... YOU FLOOZY. Now this last one, most of you have probably already heard at some point or another, but it is a classic. My mother and I were in a Bath and Body Works back when they had the tester sinks. My mom tries on some lotion, and decides it smells bad, and goes to wash it off. Several things happen at once now. My mom sees the pigmentless spots on her hands from her vitaligo, sees me just kind of standing around, and sees the group of customers walking in, and throws her hands into the air for everyone to see the white spots, and screams "OH MY GOD, LOOK WHAT IT DID TO MY HANDS" and runs out of the store. I finally caught up with her in the food court, her being doubled over with laughter, and asked her what the crap just happened, and she smiles and goes "Whats the point in having a disease if you can't have a little fun with it" Moderator Ryan the Lion Says:  LeTonzy 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Ticket for the Man Train named "I wanna ride in the caboose!" That Guy said:I would but she just learned how to text. baby steps.  Float 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Portable Campfire named "put it in your pocket and roast some weiners!" Tiff, can I marry your mom? Laurette 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Triforce named "DANANANA NA NA NANANA" Mr. FT said: COME BE MY PAPA FLOAT! I'm sure she won't mind at all. Bad Wolf 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Ramune Bottle Broken From Frustration named "AAAAUUUURRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!111one" Oh my God, Tiff, your mom is amazing and I want to meet her and be ADOPTED BY HER. <3  Wookiee Nipple Pinchy 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Jar of Pickles named "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Dicks" This happened before I was born, so it was related to me secondhand, but this is very much something my parents would do.
My mom went to a local hair salon for a haircut, and my father accompanied her. There was a chalkboard with several listed options and their prices, one of them being "Special." Curious, he asked my mom what it was. "A cut, shampoo and a blow job." Obviously, when she said "blow job" she meant "blow dry," but my father, being the smart-ass that he is, grins and yells "I'll have the special, please!!!" Float 21 months ago on 08/09/11 Equipped: Portable Campfire named "put it in your pocket and roast some weiners!" VELOCIAPRICOT said: Like women get to decide who they marry... Ha! How much is the dowry? Laurette 21 months ago on 08/10/11 Equipped: Triforce named "DANANANA NA NA NANANA" Her amazing jokes are the dowry. PS: Also: Told my mom about this thread, she fussed for the bath and body works story, and I told her it's fair game as she did it in public in our city. When on vacation she has a "These people don't know me" rule where she can be as ridiculous as she wants, but I still believe I can share with the internet.
when my mom was younger, she used to pretend to be deaf to avoid talking to guys at restaurants with her friends, then as she left she'd go "See you later guys!" and wave and then run. She also used to put on a strong southern accent and claim to be "Peggy Sue Plopbottom" and now jokes that my accent is her karma from doing that. She used to regularly tell me (when I was like 14-17) "No guys over 25, if they're over that bring 'em for me" She once stole the giant snow man head I had for when I used to be Frosty at the dance studios skate parties, and wore it to the neighbors. This reflects more on me though, as the daughter answered the door and went 'oh hey tiff" and walked away with no reaction. She once tried to use a plastic fork taped to the broom handle to pull the chain on our porch light. It melted to the light. I had to get the ladder and clean it off. She also once tried to change a light bulb by balancing it on the end of a cardboard tube, it fell and shattered, and now when she sees the light grabber things on poles at Home Depot, she claims they stole her idea and she should be rich. I told her it has to work to make money. Another time she was re-tiling our bathroom floor and got glue all over her feet, so she thought "I know, i'll put my shoes on so i don't stick to the floor". We had to use solvent to get the shoes off her feet. She has a running joke that she has a secret lover named Raul in the attic. Normally this is just between us but once when Ryan was visiting and we came here for dinner, I asked her how her shoes had gotten in my room and she said "Oh Raul must have left them in there, he wears 'em sometimes, you know how those crazy latino men are" which left me dying and Ryan very very confused. Today she came in for lunch giggling like a madwoman, and explained to me that they'd had to do a check and inform an officer that the woman he had stopped was wanted, and the unfortunate woman's last name was Hyman. When we went to Key West she couldn't stop giggling because a gay bar that was being renovated had a sign "Temporary Entrance In Rear" and she busted out "I THOUGHT THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS WAS" (s)Aint Chimo 21 months ago on 08/10/11 Equipped: Marble Pocky named "I don't take it for granite." There was a time long ago (2003) when my mom was trying to convince Tonzy to go to prom with me, she grabbed the phone while I was talking to him and said something around the lines of, "Why won't you go to the prom with Merci? Don't you want to go to prom and dance? Don't you like dancing? She looks so nice in her dress! Don't you want to see how pretty she is in her dress? You want to go!" Tonzy politely declined while laughing, I was sad cos I really wanted to go with him.
A few years later my mom found out Tonzy was going to his then-girlfriend's prom and said, "OhhHHhhH, he can go to HER prom nnoOoowwWw, but when it was your prom, nooOoo! What makes her so special? Just cos she's his girlfriend? That doesn't count, you've known him longer! And you're prettier! He owes you a prom! He owes US a prom!" To this day my mom brings it up.  Senator Hideki 21 months ago on 08/12/11 Equipped: Used Panties From WynnFae named "Ritual Head Gear" Tiff, your mom... so awesome.
So is this thread. My mom makes up all kinds of hilarious expressions, and tends to communicate with sound effects. Most of the time, it's just funny and/or endearing. But, for the longest time (from about my early teens until my late teens), my mom used to call me and my brother "little peckerheads" affectionately. We used to get embarrassed and tell her to stop. It wasn't until one particular trip to the mountains that she did it again and, in my infinite 18-year-old wisdom, I finally realized that she didn't know what she was saying. So I pointed out that "pecker" is slang for penis. I've never seen her turn that shade of red before. She doesn't call us that any more. She claims she thought it meant "birds, you know, like a woodpecker".  Tulip O'Hare 21 months ago on 08/12/11 Equipped: Giant Robot named K-Devil named "Big Brother Is Watching You" The senator brought back a memory I thought I'd suppressed.
A few years ago my mom suddenly stopped saying "Love you" or "I love you" in the usual places moms do. She replaced it with "love you long time." Because she thought it was cute. I had to scream at her that she was not a hooker in a Vietnam war movie, multiple times, some of them in public, before she stopped. Well, sort of stopped. There was another 6 months or so of "Love you! (turns to anyone listening) I USED to say 'love you long time.' But she HAAAATES that."  Devi 21 months ago on 08/12/11 Equipped: Lawn Gnome named "Pablo" Oh Tiff, my family was dying with laughter when I told them most of your stories. They loved the DMV and Bath n Body Works ones! Laurette 21 months ago on 08/13/11 Equipped: Triforce named "DANANANA NA NA NANANA" Devi said: Haha, I'm glad people enjoy them as much as me. I've had some people get like, weirded out. Those people can suck it. I forgot to mention the time she was trying to fix the plumbing and somehow messed up the water pressure in such a way that when she turned on the water under the sink, the shower came on. I asked her how long we'd been living in a sitcom without me knowing. She also likes to get a snack before watching The Biggest Loser, quoting "the fat people make me hungry" We were watching children's Jeopardy and some kid didn't know an answer, so my mom went "HA, DUMBASS" at the tv. I have so so so many of these. | Geek dating and social networking for awesome people.OtakuBooty is where smart, funny, sexy nerds meet. Creating an account is free. Full membership is $4/month or $15/year. Cheap! Press People. Need material? Cover OB for your site, blog, podcast, magazine, or what-have-you. More info » Want Your Stuff Reviewed By OB? Just send us your press releases and requests to review your products. |
