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Gen. Chat “A Request! (That Might Get You Killed)” by John Booty

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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/08/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
When you see a car with the interior lights on and there's no obvious way to figure out who the owner is?

Just check the door handle and see if it's unlocked. If the door's unlocked, duck in and turn off their lights. You just hit the KARMIC LOTTERY!

Theoretically, you could get killed or arrested or something doing this but let's be realistic: pretty much all of us are far too nerdy to be mistaken for car thieves. Don't sue me if you get killed doing this though.

I did this for somebody tonight and I think it was my favorite one yet because the car was from Georgia so, I like to imagine that in the morning she's going realize she forgot to lock her car and she'll be like OH MAN IT'S A GOOD THING NONE OF THESE MEAN PHILADELPHIANS TOOK ANYTHING, BECAUSE FUCK THESE PEOPLE and have no idea that somebody did sneak into the car just to save her the hassle of getting jumpered.

(I thought about leaving her a note but figured that would just creep her out. I'd rather her think we're horrible than be creeped out!)
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Party On, Darth 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: JEDI DICK named "Wanna watch Star Wars and feel the Force?"
I'd probably do this. Of course, I'd be the one person out of the entire site to get yelled at/pushed/punched/maced/tasered/arrested/stabbed/shot for my trouble. I much prefer the "lady-left-her-purse-in-the-shopping-cart-and-is-about-to-drive-away-so-I-have-to-chase-her-down" quest. Much less chance of getting in trouble for nothing, AND you get some exercise out of the deal.
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Johnny Landmine 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Devo Hat named "Effective non-streaking protection from Space Junk"
John Booty said:
the car was from Georgia so, I like to imagine that in the morning she's going realize she forgot to lock her car and she'll be like OH MAN IT'S A GOOD THING NONE OF THESE MEAN PHILADELPHIANS TOOK ANYTHING, BECAUSE FUCK THESE PEOPLE


We do have criminals in Georgia, too, but yeah either way fuck you people
PS: Seriously though, good move.
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Dr. Taylor Lay 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Keys to the Pussy Wagon named "InYOURendo"
Wait you didn't lock the car when you finished? I'd lock it!
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Dio 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Power Armor Upgrade: "Screw Attack"
Im hispanic, they would immediately think I was trying to steal the car. So fuck that shit
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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
I just deleted a long post about how I was scared to go into her car. Because I was just thinking about how her car is still unlocked.

Maybe we should figure out something else awesome that I can do to her car.

What if we did something completely fucking baffling? Like filling her car with cupcakes or something. I have a coffee cup full of change downstairs. What if I filled up her cupholders with change?

Imagine how confused you'd be if somebody broke into your car and... filled it with money.
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Johnny Landmine 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Devo Hat named "Effective non-streaking protection from Space Junk"
She's gonna come back and, before even noticing the doors are open, scream WHO TURNED MY FUCKING LIGHTS OFF
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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
I am seriously trying to think if there's a place where I could possibly buy a gift basket around here at 1AM.
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Johnny Landmine 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Devo Hat named "Effective non-streaking protection from Space Junk"
Honestly I'd leave it at the first good deed and not press it any further, because if you do get caught going into a stranger's car to put money or cupcakes in it, the best you can hope for is a really, really awkward "thank you" and her pulling over nervously as soon as you're out of sight to check the car for semen.
PS: It sounds funny or quirky to us here, but really, don't put things in strangers' cars
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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
check the car for semen.


That is basically the only thing stopping me from doing more "anti-vandalism."

Even if you didn't see the person going through your car (and leaving a gift basket whose contents you would never consume for one million dollars) it's still a queasy feeling to know somebody went through your car. It happened to me once although admittedly there was no gift basket.
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such_brevity 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Purple Foreman Grill named "Tracy Jordan Meat Machine"
Someone broke into my roommate's car last month and left her a bottle of mysterious, mixed prescription pills.

If you're going to go, go all out is what I am getting at, John.
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Boudicca 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Lightsaber named "I AM the Dark Side, Motherfuckers!!"
Yeah, Leave it alone. You did good and don't want it misinterpreted with a Go Back.

Like George.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svWjtDhGQFg
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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
such_brevity said:
Someone broke into my roommate's car last month and left her a bottle of mysterious, mixed prescription pills.

Now that's a gift basket!

All pills have those little ID numbers that let you look up what kind of medication it is. When you say "mysterious" it makes me like to imagine that the drug-basket-gifter-thief took the time to file off the ID numbers so as not to ruin the surprise(s)!

PS: I'm actually going to bed now. Don't anybody worry that I stopped posting for the night because I was busy filling some stranger's car with delicious popcorn or whimsical poetry!
PS: Wait, that sounded sarcastic. I mean I'm really going into a literal bed and non-figuratively sleeping.
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such_brevity 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Purple Foreman Grill named "Tracy Jordan Meat Machine"
Man I hope that when we look them up it turns out they're all feline diabetes meds or something.
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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
It wasn't like a WINK WINK DON'T WORRY, NO WHIMSICAL POETRY HERE kind of thing where I'm really headed out the door to fill a car with stuffed animals and oven-fresh cookies.
PS: I am filling the "bed" with "oven-fresh" "cookies"
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such_brevity 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Purple Foreman Grill named "Tracy Jordan Meat Machine"
Also, is anyone imagining John selling off all his stuff to suport a sick gift basket addiction?
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John Booty 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
what does that mean
PS: Haha jesus I was actually atttempting to PS myself there with the "what does that mean"
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such_brevity 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Purple Foreman Grill named "Tracy Jordan Meat Machine"
Sure, OR you were getting mad defensive because we know about the baskets, John. We know.
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Lord_BullGod 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: Triforce named "ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!"
Falcons Suck Shit
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Put A Bird On It! 2 years ago on 12/09/11
Equipped: N00dz of Sephiroth named "(meow)"
JB said:
OH MAN IT'S A GOOD THING NONE OF THESE MEAN PHILADELPHIANS TOOK ANYTHING, BECAUSE FUCK THESE PEOPLE


This is extra funny to me because I spent part of Thanksgiving listening to my uncle talk about how much he loathes Pennsylvania and everyone in it. Apparently he had to live there for a few years for a job and hated every last minute of it, and even though it was like 30 years ago nobody can hold a grudge like an Italian.

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