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Fatty Talk “Medieval Times: Dinner review” by Moonage Daydream

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Moonage Daydream 8 years ago on 02/15/14
Equipped: Link's Boomerang named "I wish I knew how to quit you"
When people talk about Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament, much is made of the Tournament, but not a lot is said of the Dinner! I think it's time a veteran foodie with a critical palate, such as myself, breaks it down for people who are wondering if they should bring a sack lunch to Medieval Times, so here goes.

The first thing you should know is, they don't give you ANY UTENSILS! You have to eat everything with your hands, like a common shopwenchman. Another thing to be aware of is that you may have a mouth full of food when your eye catches a horse taking a big shit on the fighting pitch. This may affect your dining pleasure. Anyway, that's about all the context you need, here is what to expect from the various selections in the prix fixe Medieval Times menu.

Garlic bread: This is a well-made piece of garlic bread. It is crunchy as though it has been toasted, but the soft white bread is soaked with garlicky butter.

Soup: After you get the garlic bread, you get some soup. It is like a beef broth with some kind of vegetable sludge. You don't get a spoon, but you don't need one, you can just drink it. Now here is a little tip: if you observe closely, you will see that the soup comes from a pitcher that is placed at the end of your row BEFORE DINNER EVEN STARTS! This might come in handy if you want to get a little extra soup going before the tournament.

Roasted Chicken: Next, the king will demand everyone gets meat. The server will try to tell you that it is baby dragon but it is just some roasted chicken. It's pretty good, you get a whole half of a smallish chicken. Does anyone know why roasted chicken makes your teeth sticky? It's like when you open your mouth, the chicken makes your molars want to stick together.

Potato: I looked it up on Wikipedia and it turns out that potatoes are a New World food, which means they come from the Americas, which if you follow me, means they didn't have potatoes in "medieval times." But if they did, they might be like these potatoes. You get a half a potato and it's kind of baked and roasted or something. It has some flavor, like they salted it and maybe put some herbs on it.

Beef Spare Rib: Again the server will tell you that you are getting a dragon rib, which kind of breaks the whole illusion where he was trying to pass off chicken as baby dragon, because these meats are very dissimilar. But I guess it could work, I mean veal is very different from beef. I wanted another spare rib but no one would give me one.

Pastry: Finally, you get a pastry, which is puffy and has apple in it. The flakes get EVERYWHERE!

Many authentic medieval foods are absent from Medieval Times menu:
- Mead
- Mutton stew
- Pease porridge
- Rat on skewer
- Savory pies
- Raw pheasant beaten to death with a sack of lemons
- Flayed heretic
- Shit water from the thoroughfare
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Barney Stinson 8 years ago on 02/15/14
Equipped: Handcuffs named "For Police Chief Marth, controllin anime hooligans"
So overall it is not recommended because of the inaccuracies?
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Moonage Daydream 8 years ago on 02/15/14
Equipped: Link's Boomerang named "I wish I knew how to quit you"
I leave that determination as an exercise for the reader, but keep in mind that they may not have had potatoes in medieval times, but they sure got 'em now!

Also I think "accuracy" is overrated, unless you're talking about your knight's ability to spear a small dangling plastic ring with his lance, because then it's like "Fuck you, Green Knight, you had one job!"

 
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A Study in Pink 8 years ago on 02/19/14
12th century of whatever country this is hosted in had apparently heard a story about a new thing called "champagne", but I can only assume trade routes had broken down and therefore they had to try and make their own based solely on apocrypha. If offered, do not accept this "champagne", it is actually bubbly goat's piss.
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Kirei the Klown 8 years ago on 02/21/14
Equipped: Ein Plushie named "Poopenheimer"
Moonage Daydream said:
Does anyone know why roasted chicken makes your teeth sticky? It's like when you open your mouth, the chicken makes your molars want to stick together.


I think it's from the collagen in the tissues combined with some other property of chicken flesh and/or the low-moisture level of roast chicken compared to the moisture levels of other collagenous meat preparations. Roast chicken juices tend to be relatively viscous (let them set at a cooler temp and you've got chicken Jell-O). Yum.

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Bad Mongo 8 years ago on 03/01/14
Equipped: N00dz of ThePirate
Fun Medieval fact (maybe, I'm not a Medievalist): English food was considered the height of fine cuisine. Wrapping shit (sometimes actual shit) in dough was blowing culinary minds across the continent.
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Moonage Daydream 8 years ago on 03/03/14
Equipped: Link's Boomerang named "I wish I knew how to quit you"
Bad Mongo said:
Wrapping shit (sometimes actual shit) in dough was blowing culinary minds across the continent.


After that mind-blowing, the pendulum may have swong the other way regarding dough-wrapped food, but then it must have swong back, because we have Bageldogs and all is apples and pears all over the empire
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fukkake 8 years ago on 03/03/14
Equipped: Cockblast of Vengence named "Crotchfire!"
All this thread has done for me is give me a craving for meat hand pies and mead.
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Senator Hideki 8 years ago on 03/15/14
Equipped: Technique scroll: "Stealth Hump" named "You won't even see me coming..."
Acutal, one theory I've heard is that the Black Plague killed off innovation in English cuisine. The idea is that they were freaked out about contaminated food and contracted to "well, we know this is safe, and if we boil the flavor out of everything, that seems to work too!"

No proof that I've heard, just conjecture, but it makes a certain sense.
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Kirei the Klown 8 years ago on 03/27/14
Equipped: Ein Plushie named "Poopenheimer"
Senator Hideki said:
Acutal, one theory I've heard is that the Black Plague killed off innovation in English cuisine. The idea is that they were freaked out about contaminated food and contracted to "well, we know this is safe, and if we boil the flavor out of e...


I had heard an author of a book about the disappearance (or at least decline) of the service class in Great Britain say that she believed that British cuisine took a heavy hit after the war not only due to the privations of rationing but also because servants trained in cooking, which were common even to households of fairly modest means, were let go when they could not be afforded and with the rise of labor-saving devices became less and less needed to feed a family. Thus many households lost trained culinary experts and cooking was left to rank amateurs who did the job but not nearly so skillfully.

Oh wait, here's her interview with NPR's Fresh Air: http://...npr.org/...ble-servants-looks-at-life-downstairs It was Lucy Lethbridge. Fascinating piece, give it a listen.

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