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Gen. Chat “So I bought a house...” by Pudduh

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Pudduh 5 years ago on 09/20/14
Equipped: JEDI DICK named "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction!"
I'm lucky announce that I purchased a house! The story though is more like one of those weird Russian fairytales than anything relatively normal.

So anyway we're looking for a house and see a listing on RightMove - a property site in the UK - for a three bedroom semi-detached house - only it didn't have any photos attached.

Undeterred, I rocked up to the open house viewing, I saw as I was walking up people walking in and then promptly walking out after roughly 15 seconds. When we walked up the estate agent came up and sheepishly said "honestly, just try and see through what you're about to see!"

I walked in and the place STANK of dog, dog mess, dog wee and generally all the dog smells you don't want to smell to be honest! The general dirt across the place was incredible. Flies were buzzing everywhere.

However, I saw through all of this and saw a large generous living room. A great open plan kitchen/diner with a large downstairs bathroom with a walk in tiled shower. Upstairs I saw one large master bedroom and two double rooms with space for an extra staircase to a new loft conversion. The garden, huge and deep looked like it had a lot of potential.

That was when I saw the pig. And the corrugated iron pig sty. And the stink of more dog mess outside.

And the 11 cars outside. Parked on the verge and in all the available parking spaces. And the fact that 8 people lived here.

Ignoring all of this, I decided to press ahead and buy the house for about £200,000 ($325,830) . I negotiated £4,000 ($6,515) off the price after the surveyor, noticing that the gas boiler hasn't been fired up since 1997 called in a heating engineer who wrote the whole thing off.

In short, the house was a disaster but worse was definitely to come.

When it came to receiving the keys to the house - the day the people selling the house are meant to leave and we're meant to move in - we found that they hadn't actually packed at all. All 8 people refused to leave, saying that they couldn't afford the deposit on the house they were renting, the rental truck hand't arrived, they'll be homeless tonight otherwise, etc, etc.

So against my better judgement I let them stay - becoming the first person to buy a house complete with a pig and 8 squatters. Luckily though, they couldn't lock themselves in, oh no! None of the doors had locks after all. Or handles for that matter. You open the front door by moving the door frame to the side.

In the end, we made sure they left the next day and took their flea and nit infested stuff with them. The first day was spent washing the place from head to toe.

The one thing that didn't leave was the pig and that stayed for a good week before we threatened to eat pork chops for 6 months. Then they suddenly appeared and removed the pig sharpish.

I've got huge plans for the house and I'll be updating the DIY thread when sexy DIY things happen!
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Lord_BullGod 5 years ago on 09/21/14
Equipped: Nunchiaku named "Drunken NinJa Otakon 2k4 Party Award"
Ooh is the foundation built on Scottish oppression and POUNDS of tears you fascist bastard

Moderator nomad Says:

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Kumba 5 years ago on 09/21/14
Equipped: Most Amazing Thing Ever!!!! named "Silmarils, gems of treelight"
Am I the only one who didn't immediately think of the movie "Snatch" upon reading this?
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jennyfur 5 years ago on 09/22/14
Equipped: John Booty Plushy named "Sex toy property of "Ralph's Mom""
You sir, are awesome. Can't wait to see what you do with the place now that you've rid it of the squatters haha.
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mheart 5 years ago on 09/22/14
Equipped: Espionage Codec named "Don't call me for no reason! <3"
Sounds like you found a gem! Congrats on getting all the cleaning done. I can only imagine what that was like. Looking forward to your progress posts!
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John Booty 5 years ago on 09/22/14
Equipped: Sparkledonkey's Gallbladder
This is amazing.

Congratulations, my friend!
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Pudduh 5 years ago on 09/23/14
Equipped: JEDI DICK named "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction!"
This thread is awesome simply from BG's reply alone. Just sat here giggling at my desk for a full five minutes..
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mheart 5 years ago on 09/29/14
Equipped: Espionage Codec named "Don't call me for no reason! <3"
Do you have any "before" pics? So we can compare to the "after"s of course. :D
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Rexall 5 years ago on 09/30/14
Equipped: Pimp Hat
Congrats. Sounds like a typical OB house with all that pork and sausage.
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Kirei the Klown 5 years ago on 10/03/14
Equipped: Chicken & Waffles named "My baby daddy love him some Roscoes!"
Oh man, that is crazy. Even if I didn't buy it I would be the one to stay longer than 15 seconds, fascinated to walk through and see the depths of filth just out of morbid curiosity. After washing, did the smell come out?

Kumba said:
Am I the only one who didn't immediately think of the movie "Snatch" upon reading this?


Nope, I totally did too.

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