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Gen. Chat “Dear Teenage Girls: You're Doomed” by Iago

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Iago 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Clue Stick named "Hey...all the dents in it are shaped like my head!"
Everything is going to be all fucked up eight ways from Tuesday. I know that it feels like every day is filled with all sorts of small decisions and choices that are going to blow up in your face because you didn't choose carefully enough, but it's worse than you think. We're not just talking grades and standardized test scores and college applications having major ramifications on your future. We're talking which soda you buy during lunch, how you wear your hair today, whether you fill out that worksheet in pencil or pen...everything. Pen? Stanford. Pencil? An unaccredited community college. Dr. Pepper? You'll die in the gutter a la Poe. Coke? They'll meet you at the city gates with roses and laurel wreaths. And don't even try to figure out which mundane, spur-of-the-moment choice will be your undoing, because the causes and effects reset every seven hours.

Your friends are fucking up their lives with sex and drugs. And sex drugs, like Viagra and Cialis. And drug sex, thanks to shit like E. They might come out of it okay, but it certainly won't be on account of anything they did to save themselves. But, y'know...they're having a lot more fun right now than you. They're getting off and watching their favorite songs in full-color Brain-o-vision and having a rip-roaring good time prepping for their Caligulan college years at Stanford or an unaccredited community college, depending on the writing utensils and soft-drinks they prefer (see above). Those girls who stabbed you in the back will be out of juvie in just a few short years, thanks to our country's permissive outlook towards child criminals. They'll have more tattoos, and perhaps even carry razors in their mouths. And they'll be back to finish the job, you goddamn snitch. But don't worry--if you're white and pretty, the news will cover your disappearance with masturbatory fervor. Wait...you're zero or even one for two? Nope, not good enough.

People fuck up all the time, and in the big picture, their suffering doesn't really even make an impact on anybody else. Why suffer alone? If you're going to hate life, make sure you can drag plenty of people in your immediate circle of friends (or the greater community, if you're a real go-getter) down with you. In the end, those things that seemed huge were pretty big, but they were really just distracting you from the truly lethal concerns that snuck in under the rader disguised as fleeting, minor issues and fucked your shit up but good.

Love,
Iago317

Moderator DP2000 Says:

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Rumble Rose Konami 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Girl In Bucket named "It's Cracky-chan!"
OMG U R SO RITE IM GONNA GO RANT IN MY LIVEJOURNAL AND SLIT MY WRISTS WHILE DOING DRUGS AND FUCKING TWO OF MY BOYFRIENDS.
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colin.caret 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Coupon For Free N00dz named "(Insert Gay Joke Here)"
You weren't supposed to tell them Iago!
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Kasai 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Kick In The Nads named "No, I will not wear that dress and call you Daddy."
o
















ok cuts self
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Nowhere Man 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: JEDI DICK named "My Schwartz is bigger than yours!"
cries running away with a razor blade
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A Study in Pink 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Nevada Girl's Box Cutter named "A small cut to my own forearm."
This is the best post anyone has ever made on OB.
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Rumble Rose Konami 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Girl In Bucket named "It's Cracky-chan!"
I just had an epiphany! Fuck you iago, you are WRONG!!

Dr. Pepper is the one true soda God. Drinking it will make you immortal and immune to all forms of STDs.
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skyknyt 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Embarassing Yaoi Fanfiction by Hermano named "Ashe made you write this, didn't she?"
And if you douche with it, it makes your boobs bigger!
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Oshi 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Technique Scroll: "Mega Pimp Slap" named "How I keep #g4tv in line"
>> Dr. Pepper is the one true soda God. Drinking it will make you immortal and immune to all forms of STDs.


Nope. Sorry. Mountain Dew.
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Rumble Rose Konami 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Girl In Bucket named "It's Cracky-chan!"
Mountain Dew sucks! It gives you The Herpes!

Plus, the guys in the stores you buy it from always piss in it. Truths.
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Nowhere Man 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: JEDI DICK named "My Schwartz is bigger than yours!"
Mountain Dew Pitch Black II please. Good stuff.
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LORD AWESOME 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Kumquat named "The kumquat of darkness desires to be a tart."
Pitch Black II? Did they remake it so you don't shit green like a goose?

If so, that's a damn shame. That was the main reason for drinking it in the first place.
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mheart 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Loose Socks named "Goose Flocks"
I think it's awesome how every book about the psyche of women have been written by men.
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Craig 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Bottle of Ramune named "DwarfRampage flavor"
Because you're all too fucking crazy to actually know your own psyche.
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mheart 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Loose Socks named "Goose Flocks"
Women know their psyche. We know we're crazy bitches and we secretly laugh at you when you're not around. On the other hand there are no books about men because you're pretty easy to figure out.
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DP2000 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Apple
Go back to your closet, woman.
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mheart 9 years ago on 09/15/05
Equipped: Loose Socks named "Goose Flocks"
Now that I'm out, I'm never going back!
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Kender 9 years ago on 09/16/05
Equipped: Technique Scroll: "Mega Pimp Slap" named "Hand of Retribution"
My psychology of women text book was written by an Elizabeth A. Rider :o... but most of the research in it was by men, XD.

runs off to go write emo poetry about all her slutty friends and the pimps who own them
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Craig 9 years ago on 09/16/05
Equipped: Bottle of Ramune named "DwarfRampage flavor"
Women know their psyche. We know we're crazy bitches and we secretly laugh at you when you're not around. On the other hand there are no books about men because you're pretty easy to figure out.
______________________________

You're god damn right we're easy to figure out.

Make me a sandwhich, and if you have already done that then give me a blowjob.

This cycle is pretty simple.

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