Beltane

Age: 50
Gender: M
Location: Lakewood, NJ

Joined: 17 years ago on 02/18/04
Last Visit: 10 months ago
Type: Founding Member (Lifetime)
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Beltane is currently piloting QUARTERBACK MAYHEM with Anti

QUARTERBACK MAYHEM's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Million-Choke-Hold Thrust Festival
• Ear-Mounted Machete

DOSSIER: Job is to unleash intense offense intended to disable the Kaiju by fucking up their children. Classified rumors indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Resilient Unicorn, a plan to use a fucked-up, secret concentrated energy blast to end erectile dysfunction. Impervious to bad advice. Perhaps that one of its most celebrated moments of the war occured during Operation Unstoppable Hogwarts when the pilots sacrificed countless abortion clinics in order to save a fellow Jaeger pilot. One thing is certain: these pilots are admirable and have one purpose, which is to smash some Kaiju brains.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Abusive family provided a strict diet of grain alcohol and comic books. At an early age, showed much promise for not being a total fuck-up, but struggled with with boner control. It was at the age of 6 that he stopped being a huge pussy. Each surpising beat-down was a step closer to being less of an asshole that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Unlocked his inner unicorn at Oxford where he studied Eastern religion, where it soon became apparent that he was literally drunk the entire time, twenty-four hours a day. With a fighting style that combined the gassy outbursts of a bull with never-before-seen power, termed "Elegant Strapping Fieldhand Style", he soon gained the admiration of pretentious assholes everywhere.

After becoming a Jaeger Pilot, his first fight against a kaiju was a fucked-up thing that legends are made of despite infuriating basically everybody. According to survivors, most of the town was saved and the rest was burned to the ground.

Refusing to finally show a regard for common sense or even reality itself, he dedicated himself to opening his hearts to change and and is, frankly, not having a lot of success.

"The thing is," says a homeless guy we spoke to, "He'd be a lot worse at fucking up some fucking Kaiju if he stopped being an asshole. But ya gotta love that. This is the pilot I want on our side next time the Kaiju attack!"

Psyche eval recommendation: Will perform if given enough gummi bears.