Barney Stinson

Age: 35
Gender: M
Location: Baltimore, MD

Joined: 13 years ago on 02/27/04
Last Visit: 13 days ago
Type: Founding Member (Lifetime)
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Barney Stinson is currently piloting RAINBOW COWBOY with sakana_hime

RAINBOW COWBOY's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Groin-Mounted Cutlass
• Breathtaking Hockey Stick

DOSSIER: Role is is to supply much-needed blowjobs to other Jaegers, even during the frenzy of desperate brawls. Impervious to emotions. Perhaps that one of its most famous moments of the war occured during Operation Erotic Derelict when the pilots sacrificed countless abortion clinics in order to save a small amount of time. In the past, media pundits have heaped praise upon the pilots' general cleanliness. One thing is certain: these pilots are admirable and nobody questions their dedication to choice of personal grooming habits.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a secretary. Father was prone to fits of melancholy. Existence threw a fucking curveball when imaginary friends were killed by ninjas. It was at the age of 23 that he discovered bathing. Reluctantly spent the next several hours training his guts out in a hidden comic book store. Each surpising moment was a step closer to the ultimate revenge that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Played first base for the Mets despite refusing to talk about anything besides collecting Pokemon because his mother forced him to.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his debut fight against a kaiju was a disturbingly violent thing that legends are made of despite killing basically everybody. Thanks to his efforts, most of the town was saved and the rest was a goddamn mess.

Refusing to learn a lesson, he dedicated himself to drinking a lot and and is, frankly, not having a lot of success.

"People need to understand, you can beat your dick to YouTube videos all day long," says one homeless guy on a park bench. "But when you're actually out there partying, and somebody offers you a beer you better forget everything he taught you and adapt to the fucked-up situation no matter how high you are. If you don't, you're fucked. Believe me, this is one crazy asshole who totally gets that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Will perform if given enough gummi bears.