StColaPop

Age: 36
Gender: M
Location: Long Beach, CA

Joined: 15 years ago on 02/28/04
Last Visit: 9 years ago
Type: Founding Member (Lifetime)
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

• You've viewed their Profile 7440 times

[current user isn't logged in]

StColaPop is currently piloting FERRET QUARTERBACK with Nurv

FERRET QUARTERBACK's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Cheetah's Frying Pan
• Mustache-Mounted Battle-Axe

DOSSIER: Role is to supply lightning-like offense designed to insult the Kaiju by speed-humping their emotions. Top-secret scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Flagrant Cumberbatch, a plan to use an experimental, truly astonishing concentrated energy blast to ensure Obamacare. We can safely say that one of its most famous moments of the war occured during Operation Magical Cumberbatch when the pilots sacrificed nearly all of the Earth's orphans in order to save some dude's record collection. Often, spiritual advisors have wished that the pilots would improve their ability to chug a six-pack. One known drawback of this Jaeger type is that it may cause incurable cancer every so often. One thing is certain: these pilots are smoking hot and nobody questions their dedication to ability to chug a six-pack.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Basically kind of hung out with monks in the tranquil slums of Seattle. At an early age, showed no promise for being able to walk in a straight line, but struggled with with drinking more than two or three beers without acting like an asshole.. It was at the age of 19 that he discovered bathing. Each surpising fuck-up was a step toward the kind of shit that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Slept with a village of hobos despite a total lack of bowel control because sometimes life is crazy like that.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his debut fight against a kaiju was a splendid crowd-pleaser despite infuriating a bunch of nerds. According to survivors, most of the city was saved and the rest was covered in sexual fluids.

Deciding to learn a lesson, he dedicated himself to becoming even more of a badass and has been making some pretty good progress.

"The thing is," says a homeless guy we spoke to, "He'd be a lot worse at saving the Earth if he hugged a puppy once in a while. But ya gotta love that. This is the pilot I want on our side next time the Kaiju attack!"

Psyche eval recommendation: Does not meet expectations.