cbartlett

Age: 37
Gender: M
Location: Philadelphia, PA

Joined: 11 years ago on 04/23/08
Last Visit: 8 years ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

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cbartlett is currently piloting SUPPLE GOITER with Camikins

SUPPLE GOITER's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Buttered Punch
• Finishing Battle-Axe

DOSSIER: Job is is to supply suicidally-insane repair services to other Jaeger pilots, even during the heartbreak of covert lovemaking. Classified rumors indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Resilient Panty Raid, a plan to use an unbelievable, truly astonishing boner pill to ensure this war for human survival. Cannot be damaged by fire-based Kaiju. We can safely say that one of its most celebrated moments of the war occured during Operation Final Diddler when the pilots sacrificed countless homeless drunks in order to save a single flower. At times, commanding officers have envied the pilots' ability to chug a six-pack. The only question facing these pilots, who are simmering with sexual tension, is this: can they take a huge shit on the Kaiju without fucking up each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a good example of bio-engineering gone wrong. Father was prone to fits of melancholy. At an early age, showed no promise for being good at doing giant robot stuff, but struggled with with chapped nipple. It was at the age of 19 that he had a sex change. Each withering fuck-up was a step toward the kind of shit that his heart yearned for.

Mentored by the greatest Jaeger pilot of all time despite excessive body odor because of his burning passion to succeed.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his first fight against a kaiju was a delightful triumph despite "accidentally" killing his best friend. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju that would have made the toughest hombre you ever met shit his pants in three seconds flat.

Deciding to finally show a regard for common sense or even reality itself, he dedicated himself to experimenting with foreplay instead of jumping right into "the good stuff" and and is, frankly, not having a lot of success.

"Listen up, rookie, you can beat your dick to YouTube videos all you want," says one homeless guy on a park bench. "But when you're actually out there partying, and somebody offers you a beer you better forget everything you think you know and react to the new situation no matter how high you are. If you don't, you're fucked. Believe me, this is one crazy asshole who has mastered that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Is gonna run this whole goddamn army someday.