Devil Fruit Bubble Tea

Age: 30
Gender: M
Location: Piscataway, NJ

Joined: 5 years ago on 07/20/08
Last Visit: 12 hours ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: 90 days from now

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Devil Fruit Bubble Tea is currently piloting WOMBAT BASTARD with Oliphaunt

WOMBAT BASTARD's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Ill-Advised Knuckles
• Joyfulness Tackle

DOSSIER: Primary function is is to pulverize Kaiju and supply ferocious massages to civilians. Classified whispers indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Heroic Asskicking, a plan to use a fucked-up, truly astonishing nuclear weapon to end Obamacare. May be vulnerable to party drugs. During the Battle Of London, pilots displayed an unprecedented ability to remain calm while simultaneously displaying outstanding general cleanliness. The only question facing these pilots, who everybody is pretty sure are direct blood relatives, is this: can they take a huge shit on the Kaiju without slaughtering each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a drunken brawler. Father was a mild-mannered librarian. Life threw a fucking curveball when imaginary friends were fellated by jealous bitches. It was at the age of 19 that he dedicated himself to vengeance. Reluctantly spent the next several seconds trying to get laid in a hidden toy store. Each sexual yeast infection was a step closer to the ultimate revenge that that his sense of honor demanded.

Played first base for the Mets despite refusing to talk about anything besides collecting Pokemon because he was the one foretold by the prophecy. With a fighting style that combined the spirit of a bull with sensual brutality, termed "Ferocious Falcon Style", he soon gained the praise of top-notch motherfuckers from around the world.

After becoming a Jaeger Pilot, his first fight against a kaiju was a completely insane crowd-pleaser despite "accidentally" killing a bunch of innocent bystanders. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju a code name of "Ass Chuckle" which meant nobody really took it seriously, despite the fact that it was actually pretty tough.

Following the touching clusterfuck, pilot was angrily promoted to bat boy for the Mets by a particularly gentlemanly hobo who wondered that all the ruckus was about.

Experts have described his Jaeger tactics style as "second-rate dick-slapping", while others have described it as "completely dope" and "some of the most heroic Jaeger piloting since Bruce Lee destroyed my face."

Psyche eval recommendation: Will perform if given enough gummi bears.