Captain Fancy Pants

Age: 33
Gender: M
Location: Philadelphia, PA

Joined: 13 years ago on 03/02/04
Last Visit: 5 hours ago
Type: Founding Member (Lifetime)
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Captain Fancy Pants is currently piloting AUDACIOUS VIOLENCE with lil neko

AUDACIOUS VIOLENCE's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Nipple-Mounted Whip
• Panda's Missiles

DOSSIER: Job is to support civilians by multiplying their sexual capabilities. Classified scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Stalwart Ragnarok, a plan to use a fucked-up, secret nuclear weapon to prolong the designated hitter rule. May be vulnerable to bad advice. One rumored drawback of this Jaeger type is that under very rare circumstances it will blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, unless both pilots have been circumcised by the same doctors. The only question facing these pilots, who nobody has ever fucking heard of before, is this: can they take a huge shit on the Kaiju without slaughtering each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a loving parent. Father was prone to fits of melancholy. Life didn't really change much when imaginary friends were eaten by creepy street artists. It was at the age of 6 that he had his entire body replaced by cyborg components. Gradually, he totally failed to unlock the techniques of flatulence. Each withering beat-down was a step toward becoming a true sexual being, and was all that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Educated at Oxford where he studied Eastern religion, where it soon became apparent that he was the type of person that never gets invited to parties. With a fighting style that combined the speed of a scampering ferret with sizzling levels of violence, termed "Elegant Tiger Style", he soon gained the erections of nudists.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his first fight against a kaiju was a splendid affair despite killing the old lady down the block. This was achieved despite fighting a Kaiju a code name of "Ass Chuckle" which meant nobody really took it seriously, despite the fact that it was actually pretty tough.

Deciding to learn a lesson, he re-dedicated himself to essentially being a huge pussy and has no fucking idea what he's doing.

"The thing is," says a classmate, "He'd be a lot better at saving the Earth if he started touching himself a little more. But that's what makes a good soldier, right?"

Psyche eval recommendation: Needs more nipple touching.