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Captain Goldbeard

Buster Machine No. 17848
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About Captain Goldbeard

Age: 37
Gender: M
Location: Blackwood, NJ

Joined: 12 years ago on 08/24/08
Last Visit: 24 months ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

Public Photos

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Did You Know?
  • You've viewed their Profile 5095 times
Would You Hit It? Would Captain Goldbeard?

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Tell Us About Yourself...

Say hello, and tell us a bit about yourself!

“Just your average guy slowly slipping into the black void of crazy and loving every minute of it. ^_^”

Current Relationship Status

“I'm single.”

What do you do for fun?

“Ill play some MMO's, read (something I do entirely too much), I both love and hate to write and I play Traditional Irish music”

What do you do? You know- job, school, freelance sorcery, etc.

“Like a great many people I work at a job which sucks but I love the people. My work is one of the few places were when the Ice Cream truck comes by everyone runs to get some. lol”

What's your dream job?

“I would love to be a Professor of Folklore. Primarily Irish Folklore”

Tell a funny story about yourself, or about something funny you own!

“I think something funny ive done is live...I say that not in a dumb emo way, I say that since I am an oddity. Im constantly trying to make everyone around me laugh or smile by doing or saying something off the wall. ”

Who Are You Looking For?

Which gender are you interested in?


What kind of relationship are you looking for?

“Here to make friends only”

Describe the sort of person you're looking for!

“Anyone really, I have no general types of people I associate with. Usually its anyone who is of at least similar mind as I. ”

Do you think long distance relationships can work?

“They are possible and have alot of benefits to them. Namely you learn to communicate with each other better. ”

Anime, Manga and Other Nerdy Stuff

Name some of your favorite anime and manga...

“Witch Hunter Robin *drools*,Chrono Crusade, Ragnarok, Exel Saga, Shakugan no shana ^_^, Fate Stay Night, Higurashi,Durarara, Baka To Test to Shokanju, Fairy Tail,Dance in the Vampure Bund just to name a few. ”

What's some of your favorite music? What have you been listening to lately?

“Anything thats on and suits my mood. ”

What are some anime/manga/gaming-related interests you have? Watching anime, cons, collecting cels, etc...

“Im into pretty much all types of Anime and Manga. Story is usually the most important thing to me. Other than that I am an RPG Nut. Done alot of DnD (2nd - 3.5) and WoD. ”

If you go to conventions, what upcoming cons are you attending?

“Only con I know I am going to soon is MagFest.”

Into games? List your favorites!

“Final Fantasy (and yes I am one of those weridos who has a gaming tattoo. I love my Tonberry), Breath of Fire, Triminos (My grandma keeps me on my toes in this), EQ2 and League of Legends.”

Steam Nickname


Other Online Gaming Info

“WoW - Azgalor, EQ2 - Nagafen; Leage of Legends, TF2, Star Trek Online”

Jaeger Assignment

Captain Goldbeard is currently piloting VIRILE BEEFCAKE with SilentSporadic

VIRILE BEEFCAKE's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Leopard's Blast
  • Golden Blast

DOSSIER: Role is to supply strategic offense designed to confuse the Kaiju by speed-humping their emotions. Everybody agrees: these pilots are fun-loving and nobody questions their dedication to intensity.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a sexy robot. Father was prone to fits of melancholy. At an early age, showed much promise for being good at doing giant robot stuff, but struggled with with chapped nipple. It was at the age of 19 that he swore revenge. Gradually, he totally failed to unlock the art of flatulence. Each grueling beat-down was a step toward the ultimate revenge that his heart yearned for.

Mentored by the greatest Jaeger pilot of all time despite being addicted to blowjobs because of his burning passion to succeed. With a fighting style that combined the sexual prowess of a seasoned expert with senseless brutality, termed "Elegant Monkey Style", he soon gained the erections of his master.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his first fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked success despite "accidentally" killing his mother. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju with extremely low self-esteem.

Following the heroic but sort of misguided clusterfuck, pilot was immediately promoted to the general's dogwalker by some motherfucker with a bunch of medals on his chest.

"You, you can study the training videos all day long," says one commanding officer. "But when you're actually out there fighting an unknown giant monster from another fucking dimension, and half of your robot is on fire and the other half is severely damaged you better forget everything you learned and react to the fucked-up situation right in front of you. If you don't, you might as well be playing for the Mets. And trust me, this is one crazy asshole who will never have any clue about that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Does not meet expectations.

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