Captain Goldbeard is currently piloting VIRILE BEEFCAKE with SilentSporadic
VIRILE BEEFCAKE's special combat abilities are known to include:
Leopard's Blast
Golden Blast
DOSSIER: Role is to supply strategic offense designed to confuse the Kaiju by speed-humping their emotions. Everybody agrees: these pilots are fun-loving and nobody questions their dedication to intensity.
MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a sexy robot. Father was prone to fits of melancholy. At an early age, showed much promise for being good at doing giant robot stuff, but struggled with with chapped nipple. It was at the age of 19 that he swore revenge. Gradually, he totally failed to unlock the art of flatulence. Each grueling beat-down was a step toward the ultimate revenge that his heart yearned for.
Mentored by the greatest Jaeger pilot of all time despite being addicted to blowjobs because of his burning passion to succeed. With a fighting style that combined the sexual prowess of a seasoned expert with senseless brutality, termed "Elegant Monkey Style", he soon gained the erections of his master.
He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his first fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked success despite "accidentally" killing his mother. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju with extremely low self-esteem.
Following the heroic but sort of misguided clusterfuck, pilot was immediately promoted to the general's dogwalker by some motherfucker with a bunch of medals on his chest.
"You, you can study the training videos all day long," says one commanding officer. "But when you're actually out there fighting an unknown giant monster from another fucking dimension, and half of your robot is on fire and the other half is severely damaged you better forget everything you learned and react to the fucked-up situation right in front of you. If you don't, you might as well be playing for the Mets. And trust me, this is one crazy asshole who will never have any clue about that."
Psyche eval recommendation: Does not meet expectations.
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