MistressZelda

Age: 35
Gender: F
Location: Granada Hills, CA

Joined: 11 years ago on 06/16/09
Last Visit: 4 years ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

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MistressZelda is currently piloting MACHO ERECTION with Bulletstorm

MACHO ERECTION's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Cosmic Shoulder Wedgie of Judgement
• Dynamite Chainsaw of Confusion

DOSSIER: Primary function is is to supply courageous tax advice to friendly forces, even during the heartbreak of full-force combat. Classified whispers indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Resilient Diddler, a plan to use a game-changing, truly astonishing violent sexual onslaught to hopefully end the designated hitter rule. May be vulnerable to party drugs. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that it tends to blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, if the pilots don't really have their shit together. Make no doubt about it: these pilots are seriously bad-ass and nobody questions their dedication to choice of personal grooming habits.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Basically kind of hung out with loving parents in the idyllic slums of New York. Life threw a fucking curveball when friends were killed by ninjas. It was at the age of 19 that she stopped being a huge pussy. Soon, she mastered the techniques of Hokuto Shinken. Each sexual day was a step toward becoming a true sexual being, and was all that her parents expected from her.

Educated at Yale where she studied hand-to-hand combat, where it soon became apparent that she was a true genius.

After becoming a Jaeger Pilot, her debut fight against a kaiju was a completely insane failure despite infuriating nearly anybody that gave a shit. Thanks to her efforts, most of the city was destroyed and the rest was pretty happy about it.

Following the heroic but sort of misguided clusterfuck, pilot was immediately promoted to the general's dogwalker by her first grade teacher.

Experts have described her partying style as "second-rate dick-slapping", while others have described it as "devastatingly effective" and "some of the coolest stuff since Mike Tyson sexually dominated nipples everywhere."

Psyche eval recommendation: A rare blend of sensuality and passion.