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wolfspud

Buster Machine No. 20821
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About wolfspud

Age: 35
Gender: M
Location: Mainz, Germany

Joined: 10 years ago on 06/22/09
Last Visit: 14 months ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: 529 days from now

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Jaeger Assignment

wolfspud is currently piloting DEPRAVED DEFIANCE with Nefarious_Serenity

DEPRAVED DEFIANCE's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Womb-Mounted Machete Formation
  • Eagle's Cudgel Festival of Orgasmic Bliss

DOSSIER: Role is is to supply perilous massages to soldiers, even during the confusion of sexual brawls. Classified scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Secret Sword, a plan to use an unbelievable, truly astonishing boner pill to hopefully end this war for human survival. May be vulnerable to expressing its feelings. Perhaps historians will eventually forgive the pilots for their role in Operation Rainbow Rimjob, during which most of Citizen's Bank Park was destroyed in an effort to ...well, for no apparent reason, but it looked really cool. The only question facing these pilots, who are bitter ex-lovers, is this: can they piss all over the Kaiju without slaughtering each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Abusive family provided a strict diet of lima beans and comic books. At an early age, showed much promise for being a pickpocket, but struggled with with potty training. It was at the age of 5 that he swore revenge. Gradually, he mastered the secrets of sexually transmitted diseases. Each surpising day was a step toward becoming a true sexual being, and was all that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Played first base for the Mets despite refusing to talk about anything besides collecting Pokemon because he was the one foretold by the prophecy.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his debut fight against a kaiju was a fucked-up success despite "accidentally" killing his best friend. Classified intel indicates most of the town was saved and the rest was incinerated.

When the dust settled after the grueling battle, pilot was immediately promoted to potato peeler, first class by a guy that wandered in off of the street and was pretty much just into promoting people.

"People need to understand, you can beat your dick to YouTube videos all you want," says one flight instructor. "But when you're actually out there fighting an unknown giant monster from another fucking dimension, and you have a dick in your mouth you better forget everything Mommy said and react to the fucked-up situation even if you're pretty sure you're hallucinating. If you don't, somebody's going to get pregnant. Believe me, this is one soldier who totally gets that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Just needs cuddling.

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