chaosmonkey

Age: 34
Gender: M
Location: Mundelein, IL

Joined: 9 years ago on 01/09/10
Last Visit: 3 years ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: 554 days from now

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chaosmonkey is currently piloting STEAMY STALLION with jadium

STEAMY STALLION's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Groin-Mounted Machine Gun
• Lusty Jump-Kick

DOSSIER: Primary function is is to supply ferocious massages to other Jaegers, even during the heartbreak of covert skirmishes. Cannot be damaged by sensitive enemies. We can safely say historians will eventually forgive the pilots for their role in Operation Stalwart Ragnarok, during which most of Mexico was destroyed in an effort to figure out what all of the buttons on the Jaeger's control panel actually did. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that it tends to blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, unless both pilots have been circumcised by the same doctors. Make no doubt about it: these pilots are terrifying and nobody questions their dedication to general cleanliness.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Homeless family provided a strict diet of love and gin. At an early age, showed no promise for being good at doing giant robot stuff, but struggled with with potty training. It was at the age of 6 that he had a sex change. Soon, he totally failed to unlock the secrets of sexually transmitted diseases. Each joyful lesson was a step away from the kind of shit that that his sense of honor demanded.

Played first base for the Mets despite refusing to talk about anything besides collecting Pokemon because of his immense determination.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his first fight against a kaiju was a fucked-up affair despite infuriating his best friend. According to survivors, most of the town was saved and the rest was a goddamn mess.

Refusing to finally show a regard for common sense or even reality itself, he re-dedicated himself to partying like a true hero and and is, frankly, not having a lot of success.

"The thing is," says his commander, "He'd be a lot better at saving the Earth if he took my dick out of his mouth once in a while. But that's what makes a good soldier, right?"

Psyche eval recommendation: Needs copious amounts of coddling.