Nowhere Man

Age: 36
Gender: M
Location: Henderson, NV

Joined: 15 years ago on 06/14/04
Last Visit: 9 years ago
Status: Airlocked
Type: Lifetime Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Nowhere Man is currently piloting BEEFCAKE PUNISHER with Float

BEEFCAKE PUNISHER's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Forlorn Tackle
• Penis-Mounted Boomerang

DOSSIER: Job is is to embarrass Kaiju and supply much-needed counseling services to basically anybody who asks. We can safely say historians will eventually celebrate the pilots for their role in Operation Heroic Unicorn, during which most of Yankee Stadium was destroyed in an effort to relieve boredom. Frequently, experienced Jaeger pilots have envied the pilots' intensity. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that it tends to explode randomly, killing everybody inside, every so often. The only question facing these pilots, who nobody has ever fucking heard of before, is this: can they destroy the Kaiju without fucking up each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Basically kind of hung out with monks in the tranquil slums of Tanzania. Profoundly affected by the painful goiter loss of his hamster at the age of three. At an early age, showed much promise for being a pickpocket, but struggled with with basically everything else. It was at the age of 19 that he had a sex change. Each withering beat-down was a step closer to the sensitive touching that his parents expected from him.

Truly blossomed on the streets where he studied pretty much anything his voracious mind could consume, where it soon became apparent that he was the type of person that never gets invited to parties.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his debut fight against a kaiju was a delightful triumph despite killing a bunch of nerds. Classified intel indicates most of the city was destroyed and the rest was consumed by Biebermania.

Following the grueling Kaiju battle, pilot was angrily promoted to Chief Asskicker by God himself.

"Son, you, you can read the textbooks all day long," says one homeless guy on a park bench. "But when you're actually out there trying to save the Earth, and somebody offers you a beer you better forget everything he taught you and adapt to the life or death situation right in front of you. If you don't, basically everybody is going to die. Believe me, this is one soldier who has mastered that."

Psyche eval recommendation: A rare blend of sensuality and passion.