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can0lard

Buster Machine No. 24442
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About can0lard

Age: 34
Gender: M
Location: , New Hampshire

Joined: 9 years ago on 03/05/11
Last Visit: 5 years ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

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Jaeger Assignment

can0lard is currently piloting OVULATING SABRETOOTH with LizDarcy

OVULATING SABRETOOTH's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Womb-Mounted Black Hole Generator
  • Untamed Arm Dropkick of Confusion

DOSSIER: Primary role is supporting basically anybody who asks by upgrading their party power. Cannot be damaged by ice-based enemies. One thing is certain: these pilots are terrifying and nobody questions their dedication to intensity.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Loving family provided a strict diet of grain alcohol and religion. At an early age, showed much promise for not being a total fuck-up, but struggled with with drinking more than two or three beers without acting like an asshole.. It was at the age of 6 that he had a sex change. Reluctantly spent the next several seconds sleeping in a secret dojo. Each withering moment was a step toward being less of an asshole that his parents expected from him.

Educated at Stanford where he studied the best ways to get laid, where it soon became apparent that he was a true genius. With a fighting style that combined the sexual prowess of a drunken sailor with senseless levels of violence, termed "Invincible Bastard Style", he soon gained the admiration of commanders.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his debut fight against a kaiju was a splendid affair despite impregnating his mother. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju that had pretty much no fucking clue at all.

In the aftermath of the touching clusterfuck, pilot was immediately promoted to the newly-created title of Lord Not-To-Be-Fucked-With by the President of what remained of the world.

"The thing is," says his best friend, "He'd be a lot worse at not completely getting the shit kicked out of him if he opened up his hearts. Ah, what are you going to do? Life is crazy like that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Will perform if given enough gummi bears.

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