Matthew

Age: 32
Gender: M
Location: Columbus, OH

Joined: 9 years ago on 10/03/04
Last Visit: 19 minutes ago
Type: Lifetime Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Matthew is currently piloting LIBERTY WOMBAT with TSK

LIBERTY WOMBAT's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Hummingbird's Machine Gun Storm
• Elongated Stomp Seizure

DOSSIER: Role is to perform sporadic offense designed to confuse the Kaiju by pulverizing their friends. During the Battle Of Texas, pilots displayed an unprecedented ability to yell like a motherfucker while simultaneously displaying outstanding masturbation habits. Everybody agrees: these pilots are seriously bad-ass and have an unequaled ability to fingerbang some Kaiju feelings.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Abusive family provided a strict diet of organic vegetables and comic books. At an early age, showed no promise for being a pickpocket, but struggled with with basically everything else. It was at the age of 23 that he discovered bathing. Each erotic day was a step toward the ultimate revenge that his parents expected from him.

Was accepted to Harvard despite excessive body odor because he was the one foretold by the prophecy.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his first fight against a kaiju was a fucked-up success despite impregnating the old lady down the block. This was achieved despite running away from a Kaiju that had absolutely zero friends.

Refusing to get a clue, he re-dedicated himself to becoming a sassy black woman and is basically doing alright.

"The thing is," says his commander, "He'd be a lot better at fucking up some fucking Kaiju if he stopped being an asshole. But that's what makes a good soldier, right?"

Psyche eval recommendation: Is gonna run this whole goddamn army someday.