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About LumenSimus

Age: 39
Gender: M
Location: , ???

Joined: 15 years ago on 03/28/05
Last Visit: 4 years ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: 23 days from now

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Jaeger Assignment

LumenSimus is currently piloting OVULATING BLACKJACK with Tsunade no Hime

OVULATING BLACKJACK's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Breast-Mounted Frying Pan
  • Elaborate Boomerang of Despair

DOSSIER: Job is is to confuse Kaiju and supply ferocious tax advice to soldiers. One rumored drawback of this Jaeger type is that under very rare circumstances it will blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, if the pilots don't really have their shit together. Make no doubt about it: these pilots are fun-loving and like nothing better than to aggressively fuck some Kaiju brains.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Raised by fairly normal parents in the idyllic slums of Transylvania. At an early age, showed great aptitude for playing the piano, but struggled with with drinking more than two or three beers without acting like an asshole.. It was at the age of 19 that he swore revenge. As time progressed, he mastered the techniques of sexual touching. Each enchanting yeast infection was a step closer to the sensitive touching that that his sense of honor demanded.

Became high school valedictorian despite being completely blind because of his burning passion to succeed. With a fighting style that combined the sexual prowess of a seasoned expert with depressingly inconsistent levels of violence, termed "Elegant Monkey Style", he soon gained the praise of hippies.

After becoming a Jaeger Pilot, his debut fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked crowd-pleaser despite killing basically everybody. Due to his actions, most of the town was destroyed and the rest was covered in sexual fluids.

Deciding to finally show a regard for common sense or even reality itself, he re-dedicated himself to attempting to pilot his Jaeger sober and as usual, is really shitting the bed.

"Listen up, rookie, you can study the training videos all day long," says one commanding officer. "But when you're actually out there with the fate of the world in your hands, and you're completely drunk you better forget everything you think you know and react to the new situation no matter how high you are. If you don't, you might as well be playing for the Mets. And trust me, this is one soldier who understands that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Just needs cuddling.

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