amalthea

Age: 37
Gender: F
Location: Knoxville, TN

Joined: 15 years ago on 05/17/05
Last Visit: 12 years ago
Type: Lifetime Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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amalthea is currently piloting CUPCAKE VOLCANO with MamaSkull

CUPCAKE VOLCANO's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Womb-Mounted Hockey Stick
• Robust Groin Dropkick

DOSSIER: Primary role is supporting civilians by multiplying their offensive capabilities. May be vulnerable to emotions. At times, media pundits have been awestruck by the pilots' choice of personal grooming habits. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that under very rare circumstances it will cause incurable cancer pretty much any time you even look at it. The only question facing these pilots, who nobody has ever fucking heard of before, is this: can they take a huge shit on the Kaiju without slaughtering each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Basically kind of hung out with loving parents in the idyllic suburbs of Madagascar. At an early age, showed no promise for playing the piano, but struggled with with chapped nipple. It was at the age of 23 that she swore revenge. As time progressed, she mastered the techniques of sexually transmitted diseases. Each erotic fuck-up was a step closer to the sensitive touching that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Found herself in a secret Buddhist temple where she studied some crazy advanced shit... I don't know, lasers or something... where it soon became apparent that she was a true genius.

During one drunken night, she stole a Jaeger and her debut fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked triumph despite falling in love with Whoopi Goldberg. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju that had pretty much no fucking clue at all.

Deciding to finally show a regard for common sense or even reality itself, she dedicated herself to experimenting with foreplay instead of jumping right into "the good stuff" and has been making some pretty good progress.

"Buddy, you can read the textbooks all you want," says one commanding officer. "But when you're actually out there fighting an unknown giant monster from another fucking dimension, and you have an unexpected orgasm you better forget everything you think you know and react to the crazy situation no matter how high you are. If you don't, basically everybody is going to die. Trust me, this is one soldier who has mastered that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Is gonna run this whole goddamn army someday.