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Buster Machine No. 4187
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About umaburk

Age: 45
Gender: M
Location: , NV

Joined: 17 years ago on 06/29/05
Last Visit: 8 years ago
Type: Lifetime Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Jaeger Assignment

umaburk is currently piloting QUIVERING STALLION with Apulo

QUIVERING STALLION's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Cobra's Blaster
  • Justice Punch Flood

DOSSIER: Job is is to supply ferocious massages to other Jaegers, even during the heartbreak of sexual lovemaking. As we all know historians will eventually forgive the pilots for their role in Operation Final Sword, during which most of London was destroyed in an effort to end this war. One thing is certain: these pilots are fun-loving and like nothing better than to piss all over some Kaiju limbs.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Adopted by robots in the peaceful foothills of Hell itself. Life was transformed permanently when friends were kidnapped by jealous bitches. It was at the age of 19 that he swore revenge. Decided to spend the next several hours masturbating in a seriously shady homeless shelter. Each enchanting fuck-up was a step away from being less of an asshole that his parents expected from him.

Became high school valedictorian despite being addicted to blowjobs because of having nothing better to do.

During one drunken night, he stole a Jaeger and his debut fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked affair despite falling in love with a bunch of innocent bystanders. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju that seemed to be addicted to heroin or something.

Deciding to get a clue, he re-dedicated himself to essentially being a huge pussy and has no fucking idea what he's doing.

"Son, you, you can study the training videos all you want," says one homeless guy on a park bench. "But when you're actually out there fighting, and you have a dick in your mouth you better forget everything Mommy said and adapt to the fucked-up situation even if you're pretty sure you're hallucinating. If you don't, everybody's going to think you're a pussy. And trust me, this is one pilot who will never have any clue about that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Could save us all someday.

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