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Buster Machine No. 4746
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About Umister

Age: 35
Gender: F
Location: New York, NY

Joined: 15 years ago on 09/14/05
Last Visit: 13 months ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

Public Photos
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Did You Know?
  • You've viewed their Profile 9970 times
Would You Hit It? Would Umister?

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Tell Us About Yourself...

Say hello, and tell us a bit about yourself!

“In 1848 Umister became the first person to discover India while simultaneously juggling.”

Current Relationship Status

“I'm single.”

What do you do? You know- job, school, freelance sorcery, etc.

“Aha! Technically a professional opera singer! But mostly not.”

What's your dream job?

“Velociraptor rider.”

Who Are You Looking For?

Which gender are you interested in?


What kind of relationship are you looking for?

“Here to make friends only”

Do you think long distance relationships can work?

“I suppose it always depends on the specific situation.”

Anime, Manga and Other Nerdy Stuff

Name some of your favorite anime and manga...

“Jojo, Princess Tutu, and Escaflowne pretty much top the list.”

What's some of your favorite music? What have you been listening to lately?

“Classical music. Dubstep. Shit with an actual melody.”

What are some anime/manga/gaming-related interests you have? Watching anime, cons, collecting cels, etc...

“Cosplay is for losers. Definitely don't like it.”

If you go to conventions, what upcoming cons are you attending?

“Everything and Your Mother.”

Into games? List your favorites!

“Everything Phantasy Star. 16 bit RPGs. Everything Bioware or Fallout-related. (well, I've never played tactics)”

Steam Nickname


Jaeger Assignment

Umister is currently piloting LACTATING BRONX with Deathwing

LACTATING BRONX's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Billion-Nippletwister Armageddeon
  • Seeping Caress

DOSSIER: Likes to help civilians by fortifying their party power. Classified scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Unstoppable Hercules, a plan to use an unbelievable, ancient concentrated energy blast to end inflation. In the past, the pilots' parents have been awestruck by the pilots' dedication to asskicking. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that under very rare circumstances it will blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, unless both pilots have been circumcised by the same doctors. One thing is certain: these pilots are drunken and nobody questions their dedication to masturbation habits.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Adopted by monks in the dangerous suburbs of Pittsburgh. Life threw a fucking curveball when nipples were eaten by jealous bitches. It was at the age of 19 that she had her entire body replaced by cyborg components. Gradually, she mastered the techniques of sexually transmitted diseases. Each suprisingly filthy fuck-up was a step closer to becoming a true sexual being, and was all that her parents expected from her.

Played first base for the Mets despite refusing to talk about anything besides collecting Pokemon because of having nothing better to do.

She soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking her way into a Jaeger, her first fight against a kaiju was a disturbingly violent triumph despite impregnating her mother. Due to her actions, most of the town was destroyed and the rest was covered in blood.

Deciding to finally show a regard for common sense or even reality itself, she dedicated herself to drinking a lot and is basically doing alright.

"The thing is," says a homeless guy we spoke to, "She'd be a lot better at fucking up some fucking Kaiju if she started touching herself a little more. But that's what makes a good soldier, right?"

Psyche eval recommendation: Is probably a fucking maniac.

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