Mazel Tov Cocktail

Age: 41
Gender: M
Location: New York, NY

Joined: 14 years ago on 03/28/06
Last Visit: 6 years ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: 34 days from now

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Mazel Tov Cocktail is currently piloting RAGING THUNDER with tachikoma

RAGING THUNDER's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Panda's Broadsword Orgy
• Titanium Punch Orgy

DOSSIER: Job is to supply surgical offense intended to embarrass the Kaiju by murdering their emotions. Classified scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Heroic Hogwarts, a plan to use a game-changing, new boner pill to end psoraisis. Certainly historians will eventually salute the pilots for their role in Operation Secret Eruption, during which most of Yankee Stadium was destroyed in an effort to get laid. Often, other Jaeger pilots have expressed concern over the pilots' oral hygiene. One known drawback of this Jaeger type is that it may blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, if the pilots don't really have their shit together. The only question facing these pilots, who are bitter ex-lovers, is this: can they eradicate the Kaiju without murdering each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Robot family provided a strict diet of unconditional love and acceptance... and and religion. Somewhat devastated by the murder of grandmother while masturbating. At an early age, showed great aptitude for playing the piano, but struggled with with drinking more than two or three beers without acting like an asshole. It was at the age of 23 that he had his entire body replaced by cyborg components. Soon, he mastered the techniques of baking. Each sexual moment was a step closer to the bloody satisfaction that most people would stay the fuck away from.

Slept with a village of hobos despite a total lack of bowel control because sometimes life is crazy like that. With a fighting style that combined the lewdness of the toughest son-of-a-bitch you ever met with senseless sensuality, termed "Invincible Armadillo Style", he soon gained the erections of hippies.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his debut fight against a kaiju was a fucked-up failure despite falling in love with a bunch of innocent bystanders. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju that would have made the toughest hombre you ever met shit his pants in three seconds flat.

In the aftermath of the touching battle, pilot was immediately promoted to the newly-created title of Lord Not-To-Be-Fucked-With by his first grade teacher.

"Son, you, you can read the textbooks all you want," says one homeless guy on a park bench. "But when you're actually out there with a dick in your ass, and you're completely drunk you better forget everything you learned and adapt to the life or death situation no matter how high you are. If you don't, somebody's going to get pregnant. Believe me, this is one pilot who will never have any clue about that."

Psyche eval recommendation: May be unfit for duty.