Lumberjack

Age: 38
Gender: M
Location: Trenton, NJ

Joined: 14 years ago on 06/08/06
Last Visit: 7 months ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

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Lumberjack is currently piloting NIMBLE VALKYRIE with theMexican

NIMBLE VALKYRIE's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Unstoppable Slicer of Oblivion
• Nipple-Mounted Scissor Penetation

DOSSIER: Primary role is supporting civilians by upgrading their defensive capabilities. May be vulnerable to melancholy. During the Battle Of Brazil, pilots displayed an unprecedented ability to provide inspirational speeches while simultaneously displaying outstanding masturbation habits. One rumored drawback of this Jaeger type is that it may blind everybody in a one-mile radius, pretty much ruining their lives, if the pilots don't really have their shit together. Make no doubt about it: these pilots are fun-loving and nobody questions their dedication to dedication to asskicking.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Basically kind of hung out with some serious assholes in the tranquil suburbs of Mexico City. Life was transformed permanently when goldfish were seduced by creepy street artists. It was at the age of 5 that he discovered bathing. Decided to spend the next several years fucking people up in a secret warehouse. Each grueling moment was a step away from the bloody satisfaction that his heart yearned for.

Played first base for the Mets despite being completely blind because sometimes life is crazy like that.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his debut fight against a kaiju was a rousing triumph despite annoying the shit out of nearly anybody that gave a shit. Thanks to his efforts, most of the town was saved and the rest was covered in sexual fluids.

Refusing to listen to everybody else for a change, he re-dedicated himself to drinking a lot and are kicking ass at that, as we all expected.

"Son, you, you can study the training videos all day long," says one homeless guy on a park bench. "But when you're actually out there with a dick in your ass, and you're completely drunk you better forget everything he taught you and adapt to the fucked-up situation right in front of you. If you don't, basically everybody is going to die. Believe me, this is one soldier who will never have any clue about that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Does not meet expectations.