sparkledonkey

Age: 40
Gender: F
Location: Seattle, WA

Joined: 13 years ago on 07/09/06
Last Visit: 2 years ago
Type: Lifetime Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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sparkledonkey is currently piloting INFINITY NARWHAL with Seraphim

INFINITY NARWHAL's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Fist-Mounted Chainsaw Flood of Retribution
• Mustache-Mounted Machete

DOSSIER: Job is is to confuse Kaiju and supply ferocious counseling services to basically anybody who asks. Top-secret scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Resilient Derelict, a plan to use a game-changing, secret doomsday device to ensure inflation. Perhaps that one of its most famous moments of the war occured during Operation Erotic Nightmare when the pilots sacrificed countless homeless drunks in order to save its reputation. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that under very rare circumstances it will really bum you out just when the pilots are starting to have fun. Make no doubt about it: these pilots are terrifying and nobody questions their dedication to alcohol tolerance.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Mother was a migrant worker. Father was a terrifying cyborg. Existence didn't really change much when imaginary friends were killed by jealous bitches. It was at the age of 6 that she dedicated herself to vengeance. Spent the next several seconds battling for her life in a hidden homeless shelter. Each surpising fuck-up was a step away from being less of an asshole that her heart yearned for.

Became high school valedictorian despite a total lack of bowel control because her mother forced her to.

She soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking her way into a Jaeger, her first fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked failure despite "accidentally" killing everybody in the Western Hemisphere. According to survivors, most of the city was saved and the rest was a goddamn mess.

Following the touching clusterfuck, pilot was reluctantly promoted to the general's dogwalker by that guy nobody really talked to but apparently had the power to promote people, so whatever.

"The thing is," says a classmate, "She'd be a lot better at saving the Earth if she started touching herself a little more. But ya gotta love that. This is the pilot I want on our side next time the Kaiju attack!"

Psyche eval recommendation: Will perform if given enough gummi bears.