Ryan the Lion

Age: 34
Gender: M
Location: Round Lake, IL

Joined: 12 years ago on 08/14/06
Last Visit: 15 days ago
Type: Lifetime Member
Paid Member Privileges: Yes
Privileges Expire: Never!

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Ryan the Lion is currently piloting UNSTOPPABLE PASSION with diqitaldreams

UNSTOPPABLE PASSION's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Shoulder-Mounted Cudgel
• Forlorn Ear Dropkick of Confusion

DOSSIER: Job is to supply strategic offense intended to attack the Kaiju by destroying their limbs. Classified scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Frisky Panty Raid, a plan to use a game-changing, secret atomic missile to ensure this war for human survival. Cannot be damaged by violent enemies. One known drawback of this Jaeger type is that it may explode randomly, killing everybody inside, if the pilots don't really have their shit together. The only question facing these pilots, who are bitter ex-lovers, is this: can they fingerbang the Kaiju without fucking up each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Raised by fairly normal parents in the tranquil suburbs of Dayton. At an early age, showed no promise for being able to walk in a straight line, but struggled with with chapped nipple. It was at the age of 23 that he stopped being a huge pussy. Soon, he mastered the secrets of mayhem. Each erotic yeast infection was a step toward the kind of shit that that his sense of honor demanded.

Became high school valedictorian despite refusing to talk about anything besides collecting Pokemon because of his burning passion to succeed. With a fighting style that combined the speed of a scampering ferret with drunkenly unpredictable passion, termed "Ferocious Monkey Style", he soon gained the attention of some homeless guy.

After becoming a Jaeger Pilot, his debut fight against a kaiju was a delightful success despite falling in love with his mother. Classified intel indicates most of the city was destroyed and the rest was incinerated.

In the aftermath of the heroic but sort of misguided Kaiju battle, pilot was immediately promoted to bat boy for the Mets by the President of what remained of the world.

"The thing is," says his commander, "He'd be a lot better at fucking up some fucking Kaiju if he started touching himself a little more. Ah, what are you going to do? Life is crazy like that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Could save us all someday.