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NapalmKid

Buster Machine No. 7641
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About NapalmKid

Age: 32
Gender: M
Location: San Diego, CA

Joined: 7 years ago on 01/01/07
Last Visit: 7 years ago
Status: Airlocked
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

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Jaeger Assignment

NapalmKid is currently piloting QUAKER CARBUNCLE with A Table

QUAKER CARBUNCLE's special combat abilities are known to include:

  • Fertility Elbow Bash Technique of Judgement
  • Legendary Nippletwister

DOSSIER: Role is is to supply perilous massages to other Jaeger pilots, even during the melancholy of sexual battles. Classified scuttlebutt indicates this Jaeger is part of Operation Flagrant Rumble, a plan to use an experimental, secret atomic missile to prolong erectile dysfunction. Cannot be damaged by ice-based enemy attacks. One known drawback of this Jaeger type is that under very rare circumstances it will act like a total asshole pretty much any time you even look at it. One thing is certain: these pilots are drunken and nobody questions their dedication to ability to chug a six-pack.

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Homeless family provided a strict diet of popcorn and intellectual stimulation. Not really aroused by the murder of grandmother guys that really knew how to party, in his own way. At an early age, showed much promise for being good at doing giant robot stuff, but struggled with with potty training. It was at the age of 19 that he swore revenge. Gradually, he totally failed to unlock the art of babysitting. Each joyful lesson was a step away from the ultimate revenge that his heart yearned for.

Unlocked his inner unicorn in a secret Buddhist temple where he studied forbidden knowledge, where it soon became apparent that absolutely nobody was ever going to give a shit about him.

He soon joined the Robot Army and, after sucking and fucking his way into a Jaeger, his first fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked success despite annoying the shit out of the old lady down the block. This was achieved despite seriously fucking up a Kaiju with unmatched power and ferocity.

Refusing to listen to everybody else for a change, he re-dedicated himself to becoming a sassy black woman and is basically doing alright.

"You, you can beat your dick to YouTube videos all you want," says one flight instructor. "But when you're actually out there trying to save the Earth, and you have an unexpected orgasm you better forget everything he taught you and adapt to the fucked-up situation at hand. If you don't, somebody's going to get pregnant. And trust me, this is one pilot who understands that."

Psyche eval recommendation: Needs copious amounts of coddling.

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