Float

Age: 31
Gender: M
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Joined: 11 years ago on 02/04/07
Last Visit: 6 months ago
Type: Gold Member
Paid Member Privileges: None

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Float is currently piloting BEEFCAKE PUNISHER with Nowhere Man

BEEFCAKE PUNISHER's special combat abilities are known to include:

• Forlorn Tackle
• Penis-Mounted Boomerang

DOSSIER: Job is is to embarrass Kaiju and supply much-needed counseling services to basically anybody who asks. We can safely say historians will eventually celebrate the pilots for their role in Operation Heroic Unicorn, during which most of Yankee Stadium was destroyed in an effort to relieve boredom. Frequently, experienced Jaeger pilots have envied the pilots' intensity. One inconvenient drawback of this Jaeger type is that it tends to explode randomly, killing everybody inside, every so often. The only question facing these pilots, who nobody has ever fucking heard of before, is this: can they destroy the Kaiju without fucking up each other first?

MOST RECENT PSYCHE EVALUATION: Homeless family provided a strict diet of encouragement and beatings. Deeply devastated by the painful goiter loss of father while masturbating. At an early age, showed no promise for being able to walk in a straight line, but struggled with with watercolor painting. It was at the age of 5 that he stopped being a huge pussy. Each sexual moment was a step closer to the true mastery of self-control that that his sense of honor demanded.

Slept with a village of hobos despite a total lack of bowel control because his mother forced him to.

After becoming a Jaeger Pilot, his first fight against a kaiju was a limp-dicked crowd-pleaser despite falling in love with his mother. Thanks to his efforts, most of the city was destroyed and the rest was covered in sexual fluids.

When the dust settled after the grueling Kaiju battle, pilot was immediately promoted to potato peeler, first class by a guy that wandered in off of the street and was pretty much just into promoting people.

"The thing is," says his commander, "He'd be a lot worse at something other than this if he opened up his hearts. But that's what makes a good soldier, right?"

Psyche eval recommendation: Needs more nipple touching.