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Creative Writing on Amazon

Most Amazon customer reviews are written by the dregs of the Earth: people who are barely sentient, let alone literate. There's actually a bit of a creative writing community on there, even though Amazon staff will eventually remove the review. It reminds me of those sidewalk chalk artists who draw murals on busy city sidewalks, knowing their works will soon be erased by the endless foot traffic. The impermanence is part of the appeal. Or something.

Product: Praying Mantids: 3 Egg Cases
4 out of 5 stars Not really praying, June 11, 2004
Reviewer: A Kitchen & Housewares enthusiast (Oldsmar, Florida United States)
When I received my praying mantis, he worked quite well at keeping bugs away, but to my shagrin, he wasn't really praying at all.

I was later informed that my praying mantis is agnostic and has no firm belief in a god. To me, this made him seem like a poser, but he was able to get his job done without thinking about his 'victims'. All in all, a good product.
Product: Nematodes: 7 Million Count
1 out of 5 stars Rip-off, June 13, 2004
Reviewer: "lisasyl" (Fairfax, VA United States) - See all my reviews
I only got 6,999,997 nematodes. Project remains incomplete.

5 out of 5 stars It's like a party in my skin, July 6, 2004
Reviewer: Harris Elleberg (Astoria, NY) - See all my reviews
I was very disappointed with this product. It was quite a let down when, after seven days of edge-of-the-seat waiting (last time I go in for super saver shipping), the postman delivered not a large and wriggling sack of run-of-the-mill plant-parasitic nematodes, but rather one containing seven million or so specimens of Borneo cutaneous larva migrans (a.k.a. "Creeping Nematodes"). I don't know whether I got exactly seven million of them, but my doctor assures me that they are in fact the rare Borneo variant.

On the bright side, I got a tremendous bargain on so many specimens of such a rare parasite. And the course of treatment consists of just a few short months of Nematodicidal jellies and suppositories and a few potent sedatives to help me sleep through the otherwise unbearable itchiness caused as these little devils burrow around under my skin.

However, I'm reluctant to give these Nematodes any fewer than five stars. I might not like what they're doing, but they're doing a great job at it!

For better buys, I'd recommend the Greensense "Beneficial Nematodes" or the "Titicaca Pool Party" sized bag of candiru.
Product: Trichogramma Pretiosum: 12000 Eggs
1 out of 5 stars Trichogramma Pretiosum Omelet, June 11, 2004
Reviewer: A Kitchen & Housewares enthusiast
12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs
Green peppers
Salt & pepper

Carefully crack 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs into pan over medium heat. Be sure not to leave any shells. Add chesse, ham, peppers, & onions. Season with salt and peeper to taste.
Thanks to Kelly on BCO for pointing these out.

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