STRAIGHT TALKIN’ WITH JTARI: TAKIN' PICS FOR THE INTERNETS
After the urging of John Booty I have to decided to post this thread that I wrote as an article.
A lot of the reason that I decided to write this was because I had people come up to me at Katsucon and be like “lololol no one looks like they do on the internets” or “WOW, he/she looks exactly just like he/she’s profile picture!”.
I know you must be thinking “lol old Maddox meme”
but plz bear with me.
I’ve been on the internets for years and thus I have mastered the ways of taking A+ Fat Kid Angle pictures. In this article, I will reveal all of my picture taking e-secrets. I feel that since I have met many of you in the IRL I don’t really care any more about making sure that my pictures don't make me look like a fatass.
What are Fat Kid Angles, you ask? Fat Kid Angles are picture-taking techniques utilized by fat people like myself. Think about it, how many fat people are on the internet? A lot. How many fat people do you see with a double chin in their profile pictures? Not many.
Fat Kid Angles are a part of Internet Disease (as so eloquently described here
). Internet Disease photos are basically any type of pictures using contrast, blur, flattering angles, emo glasses, cropping, or anything to make you look better on the internets regardless of gender and size.
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|There are two basic Fat Kid picture-taking angles. One of them is the classic 3/4s shot as seen here. You can never go wrong with these shots. Just use the better looking side of your face and viola. Another thing you can see in this picture is the use of lighting. I actually didn’t Photoshop it in; I sat next to a window and turned the flash off. This results in a yellowish tint that many Otaku certainly don’t mind (omg azn) that thus blocks out and skin problems. ||Another example is this quasi 3/4s shot seen here. I’d actually consider it more of a Profile shot. Profile shots can be good for Fat Kids but beware fat looking sagging chins. ||One directly for us anime nerds is the shot which I like to call “Lots Of Annoying Distracting Anime Shit In The Background” Just take a picture in your silk Jappy/Animu shirt in front of your DBZ wall scroll and you should be set. |
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|Another good Fat Kid shot is one I would like to call “A View From Above”. How it works is that you aim the camera looking down on you from above. This works best with girls because it can make for an A+ shot of your cleavage, and if there are boobs showing no one will care about your face. ||This shot here is meant to mock Internet Disease photos of the Emo kind. Besides the text and black and white filter I could have cropped it so only half of my face is showing. Which reminds me, kids, if you dare take a picture that shows your entire face and you are having second doubts just crop down the middle. That way only the better half of your face is showing and it looks artsy. |
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|This one is for all you cosplayers out there! I know a really popular thing to do is to make a CG. A CG is basically when you combine a picture of yourself in your Japanese cartoon costume and then Photoshop it with a real background. For you hardcore Digital Artists you can add some text and LENS FLARE. God, I love lens flare. ||As I mentioned earlier, profile shots can be extremely tricky for us fat kids. What I often see when I try to take them is that I end up having 4 double chins. ||This one looks A+ because I took it at night. Thus it makes sense that I would use a Brightness and Contrast filter AND the combination of my long black hair on the black baground blocks out most of my turkey-like neck. This is one of those rare elongated profile shots. If you are a chick and want to show a little more of yourself and not look like a hippo it is best to take one of these. Generally, all you want to show is from the top of your head until the bottom of your boobs. That just gives the allusion that you have big tits and not a fat stomach. Beware of your arms though, try to keep them as hidden as possible because a flabby arm can kill it. |
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|Facial expressions are also very important in taking a good profile picture. In my early days of taking pictures for the Internets I was a very angry little girl, as seen here. For the one in the middle, I actually did not add the Black and White filter right now, this is geunine teenage angst cam whoring circa 15 years old. || HI I AM A VERY UNINTERESTED TEENAGER |
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|After realizing that I looked like Debbie Downer (lolol) I decided to try the other extreme (and terrible) opposite: PUCKERING. Oh god the pucker is terrible. It is only now that I realize how obnoxious it looks. Plz 2 be avoiding the angry and puckering face at all costs. || Eyes! You are always guaranteed to see eye closeups on any internets site. How artsy. |
| Last but not least is the famous “Taking A Picture Of My Reflection In The Mirror” || |
Additional PROTIPS From Me and Other OB Members (added as they come) What to do with those akward hands:
Middle Finger: As fellow OB poster and best rapper alive Violence_Jack posted in another thread, nothing makes you look more hardcore than doing a Middle Finger pic. If you are feeling even more hardcore (dare I say XTREME) you can do the double birds. Victory/Peace Sign: Oh come one, Japanese cartoon characters do it so it must be cool and cute. ^______^v "Faux Candid" by Violence Jack
Not so much a fat angle, but one of my favorites is something that I abuse a lot. Since I gave up pretending to be cool when I gave up things like pride and dignity (aka i sined up on teh internets lolololol), I've been a big fan of the "faux candid" shot. Method: pretend that you're doing something else in the picture. Maybe you're laughing at a funny joke that one of your "friends" told you, or maybe you're just too busy in the hustle and bustle of ordering pizzas online and searching eBay for something chingy chongy japanese. I like the technique of "hey man, go ahead and take that pic of me, I'm too busy to notice." http://otakubooty.bootyproject.org/images/members/8530.jpg In reality, I was alone and taking a pic with my cellphone. SO ALONE. Indispensible Fat Kid Tip #9830498 by John Booty
Fat people and flash photography don't mix. Ever. Never use a flash; always light from above or the side. Using a flash is basically going to multiply your apparent number of chins by N, where N is equal to the number of hamburgers you've eaten in the past eight years.
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